After returning home from a romantic weekend wedding, my friend felt compelled to re-download Tinder and challenge the love gods once again.  

This was the result…

TINDER… Where shall I begin?  The tedious app that is forever being installed and deleted.  One minute I’m telling myself, “Don’t do it!”  And the next I find myself on a date thinking… “Is this shit for real??”

I hadn’t been on a Tinder date in MONTHS but I’d just returned home from my best friend’s wedding and was feeling lonely so I thought, “Fuck it, I’ll give it a bash!”  I started chatting with the oh-so-charming Ben who was 29, worked in real estate, and was keen to meet for a drink.  I agreed, and a few evenings later we met at a local bar.

He walked in and straight away his first mistake was being dressed so casually that he looked out of place, and his second mistake was making a phone call whilst the barmaid was totalling the round!  Of course I waited for him to pay, this was supposed to be a date!  He even jokingly said, “Now that’s $14 you owe me!”  Was this guy serious?

As we smashed a bottle of wine, the conversation wasn’t flowing that smoothly but jeez – I can talk the leg off a donkey – so I gladly chattered away.  All was going well until he made an offhand comment regarding his former drug addiction (there I was thinking for a second that he might actually be OK), and then he received a text message which he promptly read, and buried his face in his hands.

I asked him what was wrong and he said, “This is why I don’t go on Tinder dates.”   I was there thinking WTF and nagged him to show me the message.  He eventually cracked and it was a doozy – he got his last Tinder date pregnant and now she was harassing him for money!  To make matters worse, she was due in 3 fucking months!!  You can imagine the shock on my face…. But that’s not all folks!  He then informed me he had two other kids!

I was pretty drunk by that stage and this new information was the final bullet, the date had to be over.

As I tried (unsuccessfully) to get out of the date from hell, he went in for the kill and kissed me!  VOM!  I’m not sure what signals this guy was reading but there was absolutely no reason in hell for him to be attempting intimacy at this point.  Eventually I had to just come right out and say, “This is over, GOODBYE!”  And he finally left… You’d think the night would’ve ended there but NOPE!

I turned around and got involved in a conversation between an older man and an Irish bloke who seemed to know me.  I was slightly alarmed for a second (who is this guy?), but then I realised it was my housemate’s friend who lived upstairs from me.  We continued drinking for several hours and then they decided to move on to another pub.  This should’ve been my cue to leave as I was quite drunk, but knowing no limits like I do aka Miss Never-Wants-To-Go-Home, I decided to follow suit.

By the time I’d left pub #2 I was easily, hands-down the drunkest person alive.  Everything from this point is pretty hazy… Up until waking up.  Topless.  In the neighbour’s place!  Omg the fear, the panic!  Luckily there was no sexual contact (Mother Nature made sure of that thankfully).  My virginity was intact! 😉

I left in a rush freaking out because a) he was my neighbour and b) he was my housemate’s friend!  I certainly wasn’t looking forward to that awkward run-in on the stairs.  The only positive in the whole experience was that the walk of shame was short – one floor.

The next day I’m hungover and hating Tinder.  So much for my wistful hope at romance!  Ben, my Tinder date from hell calls to ask if I want to hook up again later that evening (?!), and reassures me that he isn’t looking for another mummy for his kids.

WTAF!  Was this guy even mentally present during the date?  I can safely say I won’t be seeing this guy ever again.  My finger is poised ready to delete Tinder but I know I’ll be swiping again real soon.  Until next time…

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