If The Shoe Stinks

Forgive me followers for I have sinned – it’s been a while since my last dating confession.  A loooong while in fact.  But after a stint of being dead inside, my cold black heart is back on the dating scene and boy do I have a story for you.  This is the story to end all dating stories.  The story to bring the blog back from the grave.  Enjoy fam!

I hadn’t been on a date in over 8 months and I was feeling like I was ready to put myself out there again.  I was missing the drama of having a man in my life and someone to get excited about.  So I downloaded Plenty of Fish (POF) off the back of a  a friend’s recommendation – she had met her partner on there and at this point, literally ANYTHING was better than Tinder.

I went in guns blazing: three dates in four days, and then another 20 mini dates via speed dating the following week.

Everyone was saying, “Wow what’s going on, you went from zero to 100 really quick?”  Yeah well, the clock is ticking okay guys?  I’m a few years away from living in a cat sanctuary,

Date number 1 went quite well (and I was seeing him for 8 weeks before he turned into a stage 8… but I digress – that is a  story for another time, another blog).

Date number 2 was probably one of the worst dates I’ve ever been on.  He was a guy from NYC who had just moved here.  I met him at a bar and realized instantly he didn’t look like he did in his pics (aka he was not attractive), he had bad breath (the ultimate deal breaker), he had lied on his profile about a number of things and to top everything off he didn’t offer to buy me a drink, he didn’t even get a drink for himself (?!) he just sat there awkwardly while I drank my margarita.

During our brief conversation I ascertained that he “didn’t really go out much” and preferred to stay home, play video games and smoke weed.


He also told me that he was “hustling” and “grinding” in order to save for a trip to Bali.  I’m sorry, but if you’re in your 30s and are struggling to just scrape together $1,000 to go to one of the most inexpensive holiday destinations then something is very wrong.  At this point I knew it wasn’t going anywhere with this loser and started to formulate an exit strategy.

After 20 minutes of strained, pointless conversation, I thought I’d go out with a bang.  I started talking about all my gay friends and how I was quite into the gay scene.  He looked at me confused, “So you like women?” to which I replied “No, I like gay men!”  He looked at me puzzled and without missing a beat I announced I was going to the bathroom.

I’m not sure if anyone here is familiar with The Bearded Tit in Redfern but there is only one entry and exit point.  The toilets are out the back and the exit is at the front.  Essentially, it’s a lare, and I was going to have to get past him to escape.

At this point though, I gave zero f*cks, so I picked up my bag and walked straight past him out the front door.  For all he knew the toilets were only accessible via the front.

Once outside, I took off my heels and physically ran, uphill, in the rain (oh the drama) as fast as I could to escape.  When I got far enough away to feel safe that he wasn’t coming after me I stopped, put my shoes back on, got out my phone and text him.

“Sorry (name), wasn’t feeling it, had to run (actually though).  Good luck with everything”

And proceeded to block him so he could never contact me again.  Bye Felipe.

So date number 3 – the motherload.

I wasn’t going to be trapped in a cabinet again so I picked a pub with multiple exit points in case I needed to pull a Houdini.

I had already gotten pre-approval from the gays on this guy’s looks, so I was feeling optimistic when it came to him physically, at least.

He arrived on time and was cute, well dressed, well-spoken and nice.

But like many that had gone before him, he was great on paper but had no edge.  He worked in income protection/risk assessment  and was just a little too straighty 180 squeaky clean for me.  He chose his words very carefully and I kinda just wanted to grab him by the collar of his shirt and  shake him – get him to  loosen up a bit.

All that being said, tthe date was going a hell of a lot better than the one the evening before, and I was enjoying myself ever so slightly so we kept drinking for the next four hours.  I hadn’t eaten since breakfast and it was 8pm so I was blind… So blind that I accidentally let it slip that I wasn’t that interested in him.  I basically said something along the lines of, “I think we may  just be too different, you wouldn’t survive in my world with the gays, and I wouldn’t survive in your squeaky clean one –  it would never work”.  He seemed more upset by this information than I would have hoped and said that he couldn’t believe that he was being friend zoned.  He looked so crestfallen, that  I said “Well maybe we should kiss, just to see, like as an experiment?”

Look, don’t judge me.  a) I was very drunk, let’s be real and b) I like to keep them guessing – like is she into me, is she not, will I see her again, what’s going to happen next??  It’s like extreme dating. c) I’m deranged.


So I pashed him across the table.  We ended up making out quite aggressively when saying our goodbyes out the front of this pub to the point that someone yelled “Get a room”.  He asked to come home with me but I flatly refused – it was a school night after all.  He then asked “Do you want to see me again?” and I replied “Look just message me tomorrow when I’m sober”.

Within 3 minutes he had text me a winky face emoji so he was definitely keen as mustard (or DTF).

As requested, he followed up the next evening asking me if I was attracted to him.  I was with my housemates James & Owen at the time and they were both witness to the entire correspondence.  Owen (aka my ghost writer) instructed me to write “Don’t get ahead of yourself just yet” to which he replied “What do you mean?” So (Owen) wrote, “You’re way too nice for me but I wouldn’t mind having a go of that body”.

What followed after this was beyond anything I could have imagined.


So he’s a shoe creep.

shoe dog

I went along with it, out of interest and for that cash money yo!



Owen literally ran out of the house screaming.  Gives whole new meaning to the words “I’m gone, I’m leaving, my wig is out the door, I’ve left the country”.

He went on – requesting the type of shoe, pics of the shoes, pics of me in the shoes, etc.  The shoes were valuable to him because they had a story behind them.  He wasn’t just buying some random’s shoes from St. Vinnies, he was attracted to the wearer and he liked to have the back story to the shoe he was about to get jiggy with.

pof3  pof3.1  justputthemon.jpg

Meanwhile I hadn’t worn these particular mules in over 8 months, they had been under my bed collecting DUST and they had no odour whatsoever.  In an attempt to get these bad boys “odorous” for my waiting client, they were back in my repertoire.  I was wearing them on the daily and I soon remembered why I stopped – the blisters were nek lev.  I was killing myself in these shoes to score the three hundred.

The shoes took over all of our lives.  Daily snap chats ensued of the shoes being worn to the park, me wearing them to dinner straight from F45, and Owen wearing them with his gym socks on.  I even put them in a plastic bag for days with stinky socks but alas, the shoes still did not smell.

It didn’t matter so much though because the exchange was getting more and more tedious by the day.  He asked if he could also lick my feet for the $300.  I said no.  Then he brought up the fact that his father was sick and asked for a discount.  I held fast with my price.  This was a high-end product he was receiving (LOL)

lick1  dad1

This correspondence went on and on and on with no end in sight.  He texted the below:


By then, I’d had enough.  We had been texting on the reg for weeks about this exchange.  Either shit or get off the pot, mate.  I don’t like you boy.  This is a business exchange now and you made it that way.

As you can see from the screenshots, I had basically ‘ruined the deal’ by calling him a tight ass.  Four days passed with no contact (which was very rare for ol’ shoey) so I thought I may as well have some fun with it and sent the following picture to pique his interest once again.


Obviously never to be heard from again.  But after getting a bit carried away with my friends on a drunk weekend to follow, this was sent:

do-these-stink5.pngdo these stink6

Even after BLATANTLY making fun of him he still wanted to buy the ballet flats… DO THESE STINK?

Was this real life????

Anyway, contact was cut, laughs were had and eventually months passed by.

THEN, my friend (who didn’t know anything about this story) sent this through…

tammy shoetammy-shoe1.jpgtammy-shoe2.jpgtammy-shoe3.jpg

Turns out it was the SAME GUY.  As we compared stories we realised it was the same dialogue WORD FOR WORD.  Asking for a cheaper pair, mentioning the dying father, getting salty when we turned down his offer to lick our feet…

As it turns out he was a  serial tyre kicker.  He must get off on talking about buying girl’s shoes but never following through.  I guess it’s kinda like shopping where you fill up your basket with items you can’t afford and then ditch it before going to the register.

She matched with him on Tinder & Bumble (yes BOTH apps) whereas I met him on POF so he’s doing the rounds alright!  Prob has a real following going by now hahaha.

The story lives on though, because believe it or not he still messages me.  The latest below.


So there you have it.  So much for straighty 180.

And even though the deal never happened, this story and the dialogue that came from it, were honestly so worth it.

Running commentary from my fabulous hilarious friends included:

  • The shoe is like his porn hub.  He’d want as many as he can get.
  • I think a foot glory hole is a great business venture – start with a sheet with a hole cut into it and see how we go.
  • Well look your first red flag was that he had green messages.
  • I wonder what he does with them?  Lick them, smell them, wear them, put his penis in them like a sock?  (Update on this: Apparently they wank whilst licking/smelling the shoe 😐).
  • I wonder if he has a collection of shoes, like an everyday shoe he wanks over then like special shoes he only uses for special occasions – you’d definitely be a special occasion shoe.
  • Me putting the shoes on to wear to work “Like honestly how did it come to this?” … “Look, think of the cash.  Pull yourself together, sweat in those mules and get that cash money!”
  • What’s this discount about?  This isn’t Payless ok?
  • How did the price get down so low?  Are you selling thongs now? #boxingdaysale
  • Would you wheel your sick Grandma into Zara and be like “Hey my Nan is sick can I have a discount?” #bereavementdiscount
  • What about a website where you pick the girl and the shoe that you want her to sweat in before purchase #sideproject
  • Who cares if he never buys the shoes, this whole thing has brought us all so much joy.
  • Plenty of fish but only one guy obsessed with old shoes

Until next time,




Parents Gone Wild

A friend invited to me along to a Ladies Day at her boyfriend’s Rugby club and I jumped at the chance.  HELL YAS!!  I might meet a hot footballer to call bae.

Via weknowgifs.com
Via weknowgifs.com

The day was awesome fun and included a photo booth, sausage sizzle, cupcakes, stalking my ex who I forgot played (awks), Pimms cocktails and checking out all the eye candy.  NB no actual football was seen at any point, bitch please, as if we had time for that!

After a day of drinking on the lawns everyone was moved inside to a function room which reminded me faintly of being at someone’s 21st.  You know the ones – they’re usually within an RSL and have carpet dating back to the 70s.

Somewhere between my ex cornering me to say “Hi” and the charity auction of half naked players, my friends decided to call it a night (amateurs).  Leaving a party prematurely just isn’t my style (someone once told me that nothing good happens after 3am but I thoroughly disagree) so I decided to stay on.

I made friends with a  young couple from the opposing team who had been dating for about 3 years and had a 5-month old daughter together.  We instantly clicked and continued our new found friendship to the pub afterward.

At one point I was out the front in the smoking area accompanying her while she had a smoke and I got chatting to a tall, massive guy who was on one of the teams.  He seemed pretty cool so when he asked for my number, I gave it to him.  Now let me just stop the story there – I can’t remember a time when a guy has asked me for my number at a bar.  I don’t know what it is about me (Do I scare guys off?  Probably) or society (I honestly thought this phenomenon had ceased to exist).  Even crazier was that this guy actually followed up with a text the next day and we ended up going on a date later that week… Asked for my number AND follow through?  Time to eat my hat!  But that’s another story.

The night eventually came to an end and the couple dropped me home, as he was driving.  The two of them were planning on pulling over somewhere and sleeping for a bit before doing the hour drive back to where they lived, but before that he asked if he could use my bathroom.  Of course!  So they both came in and we hung out a little bit longer while they met my dogs.  Shortly after that they left and I got ready for bed.

Half an hour later she rang me and when I answered it sounded like she was crying.  I asked her what was wrong and when she responded I realised she was actually laughing.

Her:  “We’re still outside, we can’t sleep.”

And so I, the hostess with the mostess said,  “Oh, well, do you want to come in for a bit and chill?  Have a nap or something?”

Her:  “That would be amazing.”

So they both came inside and I’m not sure how, but we all ended up in my room.  The vibe was getting a bit weird, and then he made a move to kiss me!

Via giphy.com
Via giphy.com

WHAT WAS HAPPENING!?  I was suddenly stone-cold sober as I realised the two of them were propositioning me to have a threesome.  They must have discussed this in the car before ringing me to come back inside!  I know you’re probably thinking, “A hot footballer and his girlfriend want to bang you and you turn them down?  Really??”  But no, he wasn’t hot, he wasn’t my type AT ALL, and I definitely wasn’t interested in vagina being on the menu.  So, I not-so-politely declined and showed them the door.

AntoineDodsonAlthough I was flattered, it was definitely not how I saw my night panning out.  These two weren’t going to let a night without their offspring go to waste!  It was a strange experience but at least it’s a good story.  Anything for the blog.

Still got it

Signing off,


Baggage for days

After returning home from a romantic weekend wedding, my friend felt compelled to re-download Tinder and challenge the love gods once again.  

This was the result…

TINDER… Where shall I begin?  The tedious app that is forever being installed and deleted.  One minute I’m telling myself, “Don’t do it!”  And the next I find myself on a date thinking… “Is this shit for real??”

I hadn’t been on a Tinder date in MONTHS but I’d just returned home from my best friend’s wedding and was feeling lonely so I thought, “Fuck it, I’ll give it a bash!”  I started chatting with the oh-so-charming Ben who was 29, worked in real estate, and was keen to meet for a drink.  I agreed, and a few evenings later we met at a local bar.

He walked in and straight away his first mistake was being dressed so casually that he looked out of place, and his second mistake was making a phone call whilst the barmaid was totalling the round!  Of course I waited for him to pay, this was supposed to be a date!  He even jokingly said, “Now that’s $14 you owe me!”  Was this guy serious?

As we smashed a bottle of wine, the conversation wasn’t flowing that smoothly but jeez – I can talk the leg off a donkey – so I gladly chattered away.  All was going well until he made an offhand comment regarding his former drug addiction (there I was thinking for a second that he might actually be OK), and then he received a text message which he promptly read, and buried his face in his hands.

I asked him what was wrong and he said, “This is why I don’t go on Tinder dates.”   I was there thinking WTF and nagged him to show me the message.  He eventually cracked and it was a doozy – he got his last Tinder date pregnant and now she was harassing him for money!  To make matters worse, she was due in 3 fucking months!!  You can imagine the shock on my face…. But that’s not all folks!  He then informed me he had two other kids!

Via giphy.com

I was pretty drunk by that stage and this new information was the final bullet, the date had to be over.

As I tried (unsuccessfully) to get out of the date from hell, he went in for the kill and kissed me!  VOM!  I’m not sure what signals this guy was reading but there was absolutely no reason in hell for him to be attempting intimacy at this point.  Eventually I had to just come right out and say, “This is over, GOODBYE!”  And he finally left… You’d think the night would’ve ended there but NOPE!

I turned around and got involved in a conversation between an older man and an Irish bloke who seemed to know me.  I was slightly alarmed for a second (who is this guy?), but then I realised it was my housemate’s friend who lived upstairs from me.  We continued drinking for several hours and then they decided to move on to another pub.  This should’ve been my cue to leave as I was quite drunk, but knowing no limits like I do aka Miss Never-Wants-To-Go-Home, I decided to follow suit.

By the time I’d left pub #2 I was easily, hands-down the drunkest person alive.  Everything from this point is pretty hazy… Up until waking up.  Topless.  In the neighbour’s place!  Omg the fear, the panic!  Luckily there was no sexual contact (Mother Nature made sure of that thankfully).  My virginity was intact! 😉

I left in a rush freaking out because a) he was my neighbour and b) he was my housemate’s friend!  I certainly wasn’t looking forward to that awkward run-in on the stairs.  The only positive in the whole experience was that the walk of shame was short – one floor.

The next day I’m hungover and hating Tinder.  So much for my wistful hope at romance!  Ben, my Tinder date from hell calls to ask if I want to hook up again later that evening (?!), and reassures me that he isn’t looking for another mummy for his kids.

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WTAF!  Was this guy even mentally present during the date?  I can safely say I won’t be seeing this guy ever again.  My finger is poised ready to delete Tinder but I know I’ll be swiping again real soon.  Until next time…

waste of time

If you have a story to share please contact me at claudsvscupid@gmail.com

Urban dating legend

This post is not one of my stories, but please enjoy it regardless 😉

It was my first stint at online dating and I was pretty skeptical.  It took me a long time to warm up to the idea of meeting someone online, but it did seem like an effective tool to meet people you wouldn’t regularly meet in day-to-day life.

So I thought, “Screw it”, and downloaded Tinder.  Probably the wrong app, I know.  No easing into things there!  But EVERYONE is on Tinder, so I thought the odds of meeting someone on that would be better than the wasteland of nothingness I was currently experiencing.  #nodates

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Via giphy.com

I think it was the third date I had secured through Tinder, so I was becoming a “pro” first-dater.  I arranged to meet Seth after a Sunday ladies luncheon where the theme happened to be ‘dress in white’.  I messaged him around midday letting him know I would be finishing up at the lunch at 4pm, asking where we were going, what time etc.  It wasn’t until quarter to 4 that I heard back from him, as I was leaving, suggesting a bar in the city by 5pm.  He was already cutting it a bit fine as my friend was giving me a lift and we barely knew where we were going.  As we reached her car, it started to rain.  He texted me and said, “Oh wait!  That bar is closed today, haha”, with no suggestion of an alternative…

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Via giphy.com

I was in the car with my friend not knowing where I was even going.  In the end, she had to just drop me on the side of the road at a bus stop because we weren’t randomly going to drive around waiting for his text.

So there I was.  At a bus stop.  In the rain.  Wearing all white.  No umbrella.  Waiting for this idiot to text me.  I was a short walk away from a bus stop that goes straight to my home, but I said to myself, “No, don’t be a bitch.  Just go on the date”.  Who knows, I might even have fun!  Right?

Finally he texted.

Him: “How about a walk into the rocks if you’re up for a bit of an adventure?”

My anger was slowly rising.

Me: “Doesn’t sound ideal, I’m wearing all white and I don’t have an umbrella.”

Him: “All white!  That’s an interesting choice.”

Me: “It wasn’t a choice it was a theme.  Where are we going?”

I wasn’t sure if he could tell I was pissed off but he suggested another bar, which he didn’t even know the name of.  I was 4 steps away from a train station that would take me right there so I agreed and made my way over.

I’d never had any pre-date nerves, and this one was no different.  It was only different in the sense that I was mildly enraged at the wild goose chase I had unwillingly embarked upon.  Already from this guy’s profile I knew I wasn’t really going to be into it, i.e., the first word on his bio was “dancer”.

Via giphy.com
Via giphy.com

I had such a hard time swiping right for anyone.  I found the whole process extremely vapid, and I generally don’t find someone attractive for their looks alone.  Another reason why Tinder is not the app for me.  His profile went on to say he was into acting, practices massage therapy, and “Girls to the left, ladies to the right”, which I’ll admit, did make me lol, so I swiped right after much internal debate.

I got to the bar and he was already there.  Much to my surprise he was better looking than his pictures, but I still wasn’t into it.  I made a remark about the weather being “fucked” (but really I’m talking about him), and went to the bar to get myself a drink as he already had one.  One gin and tonic, and we’re off.

After talking for a bit about complete nothing, I asked him how his Tinder was going as I had no attraction to him whatsoever, and couldn’t care less about his interactions with other females.  And for what he told me, I’m glad I went on this date, because the story he told was OUTRAGEOUS.

His first Tinder date took place in Perth, where he arranged to pick up his date as she wasn’t familiar with the bar he suggested.  If you did this in Sydney I’m pretty sure you’d end up raped and/or murdered by week’s end but maybe in Perth it was safe to get into a stranger’s car?  Who knows.  She was visibly nervous upon entering the vehicle and he could see that something wasn’t quite right, so he asked if she was OK.  She said she was fine.  He started driving, and as he did the doors locked automatically (fancy car) and she freaked out.  He said, “Everything’s OK!  That’s automatic!  We don’t have to go on this date if you don’t want to.”  She assured him that she was OK, and they carried on to the bar.

She went on to tell him about her first 3 Tinder dates, and pretty soon it was quite apparent why she had been so nervous.  The first one she turned up and her date was in a wheelchair, with no forewarning whatsoever.  An obvious shock to anyone, but I understand why he would hide it.

Via www.thinglink.com
Via http://www.thinglink.com

The second date she turned up and he was deaf.  They couldn’t even communicate!  He could understand her because he could read lips but she couldn’t understand him.  I pictured her on the date with a deaf man, sitting at opposite ends of a table, communicating via Tinder message…Lol.  It was at this point I mused that she must be lying.  No one could have this much bad luck, let alone 2 dates in a row!  And he said, “Well she was obviously turning up to our date thinking I was going to have a third arm.”  True that.

Then came the third date.  The most horrifying of them all.  She was talking to a guy, her age, good looking.  She went to meet up with him, reached the bar and couldn’t see anyone there that looked like him so she sat down to wait.  Within about 10 minutes a man who was in his late 40s approached her at the bar.  It turned out he was posing as his son on Tinder!  She got up to leave as he pleaded, “Stay for just one drink”, which she rightfully declined.

Honestly.  You can’t make that shit up!  I was amazed.  And horrified.  And amazed!  How did she make it to the 4th date let alone the 2nd?  Wherever that girl is, she needs a trophy for the stress she’s endured.

So there we were on a Sunday, 2 drinks in, conversation dwindling, and with work the next day… I decided to tap out.  But, knowing my luck, he was also catching the same train as me, and changing over at my station.  Brilliant!

As obligatory ride-or-die train buddies now, we selected the 3-seater.  I was by the window and he sat pressed up against me.  He had his legs crossed, basically pinning me to the wall with no escape.  I did my best not to linger with eye contact much ’cause I could tell it was getting creepy.  I really didn’t want to kiss him, and why should I?  I shouldn’t have to do something I don’t want to do!

We reached my stop and jumped out.  I told him I had a fun time and pretty much ran away.

Safely inside my home I looked at my phone and he had texted me saying he had a great time and that he probably would be deleting tinder soon, but he’d like to take me out again if I was interested.  I replied with, “Hey buddy, I’m not sure that there is really a romantic connection for me here but I think that you’re awesome and funny, and seeing as you’re not in a wheelchair, deaf or someone’s dad, I’m sure you won’t have trouble finding a nice lady.”  To which he replied, “Yolo,” with a fist bump emoticon.  Gotta say, that’s a pretty strange response to an I’m-just-not-that-into-you text, but I’ll take it!  He unmatched me after that, and I was glad.

For the story

If you have a story to share please contact me at claudsvscupid@gmail.com

My first ever Tinder date

I’m trying to remember back to a time when Tinder was all shiny and new, and believe me, it’s a hard task.  I can’t even remember the lucky guy’s name that popped my Tinder cherry but nevertheless we shall press on.

It was around Christmastime and I was chatting to a guy who was here from Perth visiting his family.  He was cute, tall and funny – sure why not?  We arranged to meet at a local bar that weekend and I deliberately arrived first so I could suss him out as he was approaching.  He looked like his pictures, was 6’1 as stated in his profile and we actually had a lot in common.  Well played, Tinder!  We took turns buying cocktail jugs over a couple of hours (no dinner) and not surprisingly we got pretty smashed.

Via giphy.com
Via giphy.com

I suggested we go upstairs where there was a dance floor area (a tactic so we could get a bit closer, wink wink), and it was only then that I realised that although he was tall, he wasn’t very built.  He was quite skinny… Like I’m talking my bicep > his.  We had been sitting across from each other for our entire date and I had quite a different physical perception of him from seated to standing.  Shallow right?  I wasn’t ready to write him off just yet but then he started dancing and he was quite possibly the worst dancer I’d ever seen.

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Although concerning, these weren’t total deal breakers and I was willing to continue the night until he leaned in and kissed me… DEATH BREATH!  Nope, sorry, that’ll do me!  There are few things that deter me more than someone lacking basic hygiene.  Strike 3, it was over.

He excused himself to go to the bathroom and it was then that it drunkenly hit me;  I could stay and do the polite, yet awkward goodbye which could possibly end with us leaving together anyway because I was quite intoxicated, or I was going to take the coward’s way out and leave right then and there.  I opted for the latter, and with a flourish, threw my drink down (which had barely a sip taken out of it) and physically ran out of the bar, not stopping till I was in a cab.

My foggy mind came up with nothing better than, “My sister has been in a fight and I had to go to her”, sent via text.  We were in Sydney’s eastern suburbs, not the Freedom Writers movie.  Even if she had been in a fight, how long does it take a guy to pee, seriously?  Unless he was planning to brush his teeth in there which I sincerely doubted.  He replied. “Fair enough”.

He text me again the following morning to say he’d had a great time with me and I did feel pretty bad.  In hindsight it wasn’t even comparable to some of the horrors I’ve had since, but all’s fair in love and Tinder.

Heart better than nothing

Signing off,


Dave – A Dating Disaster

Here’s a tale of a friend’s experience with eHarmony… not so harmonious after all.

Like many other women, I too wanted to find love, settle down, have kids, the whole shebang.  I’d heard average things about Tinder so I thought I’d give eHarmony a go because:

  1. It’s a paid service, and
  2. The questionnaire takes approximately 86 years to fill out (all the better to find your ‘perfect match’).

So surely it’d filter out all the guys that were only DTF, right?

After chatting to a few men via email, I came across a guy named Nick.  He seemed normal enough, had a decent job, spoke highly of his family, etc.  He asked me what I was passionate about, so I began to tell him my family, friends, work etc. (fairly standard), and he informed me he was passionate about men’s rights against women.  I asked him what he meant by that and he said ‘Violence against men from women’.  I thought ‘Hmm OK, fair enough,’ and decided to not delve too deeply into that one.  He then sent me a novel of an email telling me how his ex used to bash him (he was a 6’6 huge fire fighter according to his pics) but that was OK, because her new partner murdered her last week and “SHE DESERVED IT!”

Via giphy.com
Via giphy.com

Stick a fork in me, I was done!  Needless to say, I blocked him and went on a break from eHarmony for a while.  Clearly their filtration system wan’t as fine-tuned as I had anticipated.

I then came across Dave.  We met for coffee one afternoon and again, he seemed nice enough, appeared to have nice friends, nice family, decent job and told me he was looking for love and was sick of games, etc., (tick, tick, tick).  I still wasn’t entirely sold, so I decided to remain in contact as friends.  However, I began to get drunken calls and texts from this 30 year old MAN at all hours of the night for months to come.  I was too old for that shit so I stopped responding.  This didn’t stop Dave though!  I began to hear from him almost every week for the next 2 and a half YEARS.

I guess I was beginning to think that there was something wrong with me because I just didn’t seem to like anyone and I thought maybe I was being too picky.  So when I received a happy birthday call from Dave and he said he wanted to fly up to QLD to take me on a date, I thought well, why not?  He’d been chasing me for years – surely he’d grown up a bit by now and I should just stop being so picky.

Via viralthread.com
Via viralthread.com

So he flew up for my birthday, took me out and I actually had a good time!  The next few weeks progressed quite quickly and he was flying me down to Sydney every weekend to see him.  He introduced me to his parents, friends, and told me he didn’t want me to see anyone else.  I’m not sure how conversations about relationships go these days, but I figured there were enough ‘signs’ to assume that we were exclusive.  He was still doing stupid drunken things, but I thought I could look past it.

I was down in Sydney for my best friend’s 30th and had invited Dave to attend with me to meet my friends.  He declined and said that he wasn’t drinking that weekend, which was weird considering he seemed to be drunk during most conversations I had with him.

So when I received a drunken call from him the morning of her party and he asked me to pick him up (in his car) from wherever he was, I went to ensure he was OK.  He reeked of booze but insisted that he was OK to drive.  I didn’t feel safe with him behind the wheel but there wasn’t a lot I could do, he was being very rude and basically threatened to leave me there if I didn’t let him drive.  His phone was in full view on the dashboard and suddenly it started vibrating with message alerts from Tinder!

Me: “So you’re on Tinder then?”

Him: “Well why do we need to put a label on us?”

I felt like an idiot.  It was pretty clear to me that I was looking at a very immature little boy who I wanted absolutely nothing to do with.   I turned to him and said “We don’t, let me out of the car”.  And that was that.  My friend came to pick me up from the middle of Oxford street and I was bawling my eyes out.  How could I have been so stupid?  I haven’t spoken to him since and yet he still tries to get in touch with me via every social platform in existence.

Via giphy.com

I can laugh about it now, but it was a good lesson to always go with your gut.  I didn’t have a good feeling about him from the start, and then started questioning myself and my own morals and beliefs.  I learnt to keep my head held high, stick to my guns and know what I wanted and it eventually came to me.  I’m now happily involved with someone I met organically and it’s officially the best feeling in the world!

waste of time

If you have a story to share please contact me at claudsvscupid@gmail.com

The Bird Man Chronicles

In a recent bid to go off the (dating) grid I decided to delete all my dating profiles to take a break, re-focus, and try to shake the jaded animosity the online dating world had drawn out of me.

It was around this time that I was also quite enjoying the trance music scene and had been added to a Facebook group that kept its members updated on the latest trance news and events.  Someone had posted some video footage from an event I had attended and I ‘liked’ it, nek minnit the guy that had posted the video had sent me a private message on Facebook asking me out!  Was Facebook the new Tinder?

Earlier that day I had been asked by a friend what I was looking for in a partner because she was going to see if any of her guy friends fit the bill.  I came up with 5 things off the top of my head (in no particular order):

  1. Tall
  2. Good sense of humour
  3. Able to carry a conversation
  4. Stuff in common – I’d love to date someone into house/progressive/trance music
  5. Likes to go out and be social, gigs, festivals etc. No homebodies.

I thought to myself, well this dude obviously ticks two of those boxes seeing as he was into the same music/festivals as I was, so I thought I’d give him a chance.  Could you imagine if that’s all I had to do this whole time?  Just write some shit down and the universe would hand it to me?  Sound too good to be true??

We chatted over Facebook messenger for a while and I learned he was tall (tick!), 35 (age appropriate: tick!), studying law (brains: tick!), previously worked in IT (was made redundant and took the opportunity to go back to study) and owned a house on the Central Coast (shit together: tick!).  Normally a potential match would be eliminated if I found out they lived that far away (Mordor), but seeing as he was constantly in Sydney due to study, I decided to roll with it.  We messaged back and forth for hours, sending each other music tracks and just getting to know one another – he seemed normal enough.  He promised to call me the following evening and we said goodnight.

Via kappit.com
Via kappit.com

I have mixed emotions regarding talking to guys on the phone.  It stresses me out and I find it highly invasive – at least with a text you can read it and respond when you have the time, a phone call is so demanding and quite full-on if you don’t know the person very well.  I don’t even phone my friends much, let alone speak to some stranger I met over Facebook!  But then on the other hand, speaking to someone voice-on-voice can give you a better idea of the person they are so when the phone call came, I answered.

We actually got on really well, spoke for over an hour and he ‘got’ my sense of humour so I was feeling pretty optimistic about actually meeting this guy.  Better yet he didn’t sound like a coastie bogan!  Miracle!

Via giphy.com

We texted over the next couple of days and during one conversation he revealed he had been previously engaged, and the reason the marriage didn’t go ahead was because his fiance died from Leukemia.  CLASSIC OVERSHARE.  Although I empathized with him, it was probably a little soon to be divulging this to someone you hadn’t even met yet… Nonetheless I was still willing to give it a shot.

Then he suggested we go to quite a lavish restaurant for our first date which I’m sure most girls would find incredibly romantic but that sort of arrangement is way too much in my opinion for a first meeting.  Maybe for like the 3rd/4th date but for date #1 I wanted to do something more casual just in case (god forbid) I had to pull a Houdini.  What if we didn’t get along and I was trapped on a 3-course date?  Hell no.

We decided on lunch and drinks the following Sunday.  Whilst deciding on a place he asked me if I’d seen 50 Shades of Grey (it had just come out at the movies) but I’d seen it immediately with my girlfriends and told him so.  He was mildly upset because he thought we could’ve seen it together after lunch.  I mused that it was an odd movie choice for a guy and that’s when he casually mentioned he “practices”.  So what – I was dating Christian Grey now??

The clincher for me though was the message I received early on Valentine’s Day:


Via giphy.com

My reaction after getting that was actual horror.  WHY did this guy think that this was OK?  If the over-the-top first date, incessant texting and S&M hadn’t turned me off at this point, this ridiculous gesture on Valentine’s Day had sealed the deal.  The date was off.


I thought I was blunt enough for him to take the hint but apparently not.  He continued to text me sporadically for the next two months.


I’m not sure what dating game he’s familiar with but whatever it is it’s not from this world.  And “easy going”  must roughly translate to “casual stalker” surely?   He even went to the lengths of filming his bird saying “Hello” over and over again to try and spark a response.

At least he hadn’t trained it to say “Hello Claudia” or “I love you” because then I probably would’ve alerted the police.  From this moment forward he was referred to as “Bird Man”.



Even throwing the dead fiance in as a last ditch attempt of contact!  Nooooo!!  I don’t think I’ve ever experienced desperation level 861 but now I can safely say I have.  Chalk that one up to the list!  Maybe I’ll do a follow up text in a year’s time like this guy did:

Not Texting Back (video)

I’m sure Bird Man would be totally sweet with it.

serial killer

Signing off,


Tinder Tantrums

I sometimes see guys on Tinder that I’ve matched with before because when you delete the app then re-download it (5th time lucky for me!!) it wipes any history and your dating pool is replenished.  Thank god for that, right?

Via Imgflip.com
Via Imgflip.com

I had seen Steve a few times on Tinder and more recently Happn so I decided it was about time we went for a drink.  I also noticed that we had a mutual friend which always seems to make things less creepy.  Speaking of creepy, please excuse the time that I sent my first message, it was a Wednesday night (not typical for a booty call) and I had insomnia.  He seemed normal enough, he was tall AF, and there I was thinking, “This’ll be funny, a fellow veteran of Tinder, imagine the lols!”  Not quite.


So a grown man was basically throwing a tantrum because a) I wasn’t available at an hours’ notice, and b) I wouldn’t go over to his place for an initial meeting.  Is this real life?


Obviously he was trying to say that you can tell if a person is a reputable human being by the photos they upload on Tinder.  Um, I’m sorry what?  Just because you opted for a picture of you on the beach doesn’t make you a non-serial killer.  Although I suppose if you were posing with a dead corpse I may have my suspicions…  My point is you can’t tell shit about someone from their pics.  Dumbest statement ever, made even dumber by the misspell.

Shortly after this exchange he unmatched me, never to be seen again.  Oh, except through our mutual friend on Facebook!  May as well hit her up and find out how she knows this freak.  Turns out she had dated him a couple of times last year and she offered this insight; “He didn’t seem too bad.  A little keen but harmless enough”.  So he WASN’T a serial killer??  Dammit did I just lose my one chance at true love?  Ah well, plenty more dregs in the sea, all aboard the Tinder Train to continue my journey!

Signing off,


The Importance of Screening

I had been talking to Ben on Tinder for a short period of time when he asked me to have dinner with him and perhaps see a movie.  A movie for a first date was an odd suggestion coming from someone over the age of 13 (this guy was 31), but I tentatively agreed.  Obviously if he turned out to be a freak I wouldn’t be spending 2 hours in a dark cinema with him.  We organized to meet one Friday evening and it wasn’t till a couple of people asked me in the lead up what he did for work, that I realized I didn’t actually know a lot about this guy.  But that’s what a date is for, to get to know someone better and at least we’d have heaps to talk about, right?

I’d almost reached the bar when he rang to ask what drink I’d like.  Major points for that one Romeo, drink on arrival, impressive!  Luckily he was standing at the bar with our two drinks because his pics on Tinder were all surfing shots taken from 26km away except for one which was dark and grainy… It was practically a blind date.

He was tall, dressed well and wasn’t channeling Quasimodo released from the bell tower so we were on track for a great date…or so I thought.  We took a seat in the cocktail lounge area and the conversation turned to his recent move to Sydney.  He had moved around a bit and I asked if this was related to his job.  That’s when the first bomb dropped, “I was previously married… well technically I’m still married but we’ve been separated for over 12 months”.  I’m thinking ok, well whatever… we’re both in our 30s… people have pasts… it’s not the end of the world…  I let it slide.  He then dropped a second bomb, “I also have 2 children”.

Via giphy.com
Via giphy.com

MAJOR deal breaker!  Definitely something you should mention before the first date.

Me: “Why wouldn’t you tell me that?”

Him: “I usually do bring it up quite quickly but because we hadn’t been talking for very long, as I was telling you just now I realized it hadn’t been discussed.”

I asked him how old they were… 3 and 6 so it’s not like they were even close to being able to take care of themselves!  I started rambling as to why him having children wasn’t going to work for me:

  • I’m not maternal at all
  • I don’t know if I want kids
  • I can’t even take care of myself let alone raise another human being

Do you know what he said?  “Well that’s the perfect answer.”  I was like:

Via giphy.com
Via giphy.com

Perfect answer for what exactly?

He asked me if we should just call it right there and end the date which in hindsight I probably should’ve but felt like a total bitch to just be like, “Cya round”, so we continued the date and he bought us another round of drinks.

I asked him why the marriage ended and he told me that he found out his wife was cheating on him.  After he’d found an incriminating text he apparently “snapped”, moved states, unknowingly signed over both their properties, his ute etc. to her and basically lost everything overnight.  He hadn’t seen his kids either.  Now at this point I’m thinking; there’s more to this story than what he’s telling me.  So I queried his use of the word “snapped”, what did he mean by that?  Did he mean that he had anger issues and was going to hurt somebody or what?  That’s when the third bomb was revealed: he had STAGE ONE BI POLAR.  Oh good!

Me: “Sooooo, you’re medicated?”

Him: “Oh nah I just manage it with diet”.

Me: “What, really?”

Him: “Nah I’m kidding, I’m medicated”.

He was turning it into a joke??  The only laughter heard was from me nervously trying to laugh it off like it was nothing.  He explained that his diagnosis was characterized by anxiety and depression, which let’s face it, are fairly common practice these days anyway, and with that he ordered more drinks.

I actually felt bad for the guy… Cheating wife, losing everything overnight, not being able to see his kids and now bi polar?  He seemed like a lovely guy, he had definitely been well trained in terms of being polite and attentive; he’d just had a bad run.

He had paid for every round without hesitation but I was kinda thinking well, so he should after basically misleading me.  I’m not sure how the next bomb was brought up; it’s like it came out of nowhere.  I had navigated the date like a minefield and it wasn’t over yet.

“I should probably also mention that I have Lupus”.

Via giphy.com
Via giphy.com

The first thing that came into my head is: this is a serious illness, like on the level of MS, but I couldn’t quite remember what it was.  He explained to me that it’s when a person has too many white blood cells which means that they heal really fast if they cut themselves but the downside is chronic pain in their day-to-day lives.

Funnily enough I saw a program later that week where a woman couldn’t get out of bed, go in the sun or go to work because she had Lupus.  Obviously this guy wasn’t suffering too badly seeing as he was getting around on a surf board and holding down a job but still, most people aren’t signing up to be a caregiver on the first date.

He didn’t really go into all the symptoms, just the boosted healing power, chronic pain and said it was an auto immune disease.  I also suffer from an auto immune disease (ulcerative colitis) so I jumped in with that, again trying to make light of it, laugh it off and not make it awkward but internally I was starting to panic.  How do I get out of this date??

We ended up moving to the bistro area to get some food – thank god because I was drinking on an empty stomach and was starting to get tipsy.  He was also getting drunk and quite frankly, a bit annoying, saying childish things and starting to rub me the wrong way.  He wanted a chicken Caesar salad under the guise of it being a “healthy” option which I laughed at and pretty much bullied him into getting a steak.  First of all; what man orders a salad, and second of all; a Caesar salad was potentially the unhealthiest choice on the menu.

He got up to go and order our food saying, “Oh I’ll get this,” but he didn’t seem happy about it.  Oh no was I supposed to offer to pay?  Great, now he’s got the shits!  I’m feeling really uncomfortable about the whole situation so while he’s up at the counter paying for our order I’m literally scanning the room judging how far away the door is.  Could I make a break for it?  But no, that’s totally mean.  Him turning back to our seats and I’m just gone?  LOL.  Ok, I’m lying.  If the door had been closer I would’ve done it.  I wanted OUT.

He came back to the table and got out his phone saying, “So are we going to see this movie?  I should check the times…”  I couldn’t believe this guy was still thinking the date was going well enough that we would continue it for another 2 hours!!  I looked at him with a pained look and shook my head.  He said, “So you don’t want to see a movie with me?” I tried to let him down gently but it didn’t quite work.

Him (bitterly): “Oh, so I’ve just paid for your dinner…”

Me (babbling): “No that’s fine, I’m happy to pay for my meal… look I’m not having a terrible time I just don’t think I want to see the movie.  There’s been a lot of new information to process on this date but at the same time you’re new to Sydney, I have quite a few connections, we could still be mates”.

Meanwhile there’s no way in hell I was ever seeing or speaking to this man again but I didn’t need him flying off the handle at me in a public place.  He did anyway, standing up to say, “Well that just shows how pretentious you are.  Enjoy your meal”.  And with that he WALKED OUT!  I was sitting at the table actually laughing, I could not believe how this had panned out.

I ran up to the kitchen window to cancel our meals but it was too late they would be ready in 5 minutes.  Fuck, what do I do now?  I saw a guy seated near me and his mate was approaching with beers.  I walked up to their table and said:

Me: “This is really random, but have you guys eaten?”

One said yes, the other no.

Me: “Reason I ask is that I’ve just had a Tinder date go terribly wrong and I was wondering if you guys wanted our food?”

Guy 1: “Please sit down and join us!  We need to hear this story”.

So I filled them in on the date and we had a good laugh.  I ate my schnitzel while the boys shared his steak saying things like, “This steak is too well done, I didn’t order this!”  We had so much fun and held great banter.  One of the guys even gave me his number under the premise that I’d send him the link to my blog once it was up and running.  I doubted this was the only reason seeing as his friend kept mentioning that he was single and even took a picture of us on his phone saying, “Cute couple!”  So not only had I turned the date from hell into an enjoyable experience with complete strangers, but I now had another guy’s phone number as well.  #winning!


I received a text from Ben during dinner:

“You know so many people, but your on Tinder…. Good one”

I read it out to the boys and we laughed at his incorrect use of ‘your’.  Another text came through minutes later.

“Your beautiful by the way!”

LOL was this guy serious?  Obviously that’s the bi polar coming out?

I’m not sure if your phone does this but when I add new numbers to it, it syncs with Facebook and brings them up in your “People You May Know” section.  The guy who gave me his number soon pops up on Facebook and guess what?  He’s far from single!  Every pic is of him and what I assume to be his significant other.  What a dickhead!  Does nothing to restore my faith in men, let me tell you.

I also received a further text from Ben at about 7am the next day saying; “Thanks for lastnight, thus is how it ended” (spelling errors on point), with a picture of a pokie machine.  At first I was confused thinking – is he saying I drove him to gamble?  But then I looked closer and realized he’d won over a grand so then I didn’t feel so bad for letting him pay for everything!

Heart better than nothing

Signing off,


Let’s talk Tinder

OK so unless you’ve been living under a rock for some time, you will have heard about the dating app Tinder.  How it works is this: you judge a potential match based on their profile photos (and possibly a vague, irrelevant tag line) by swiping right for yes or left for no.  If both parties have mutually liked one another, a match is made and 90% of the time that’s it.  No one actually messages each other, it’s like a Mexican stand-off as to who will write first.  And so you keep on playing i.e. swiping as fast as your thumb will allow.

I have a love-hate relationship with Tinder… well mostly hate tbh.  I have deleted and re-downloaded it about 5 times over the space of a year and a half.  Why do I keep getting lured back?  I’ll tell you.  A few of my close friends have met partners through Tinder and are still happily together.  This small percentage of successful interactions keeps the dream alive for me.  Maybe it’ll be different this time?  But it never is.

We are living in such a fickle generation where everyone is waiting for the next best thing.  We as a society have been geared to always be chasing instant gratification.  Hungry?  Order food to your door.  Bored?  Stream movies (porn) right to your tv or laptop.  Need something new but can’t afford it?  Credit cards!

Enter Tinder; dating takeaway!  Why go out to a bar and be rejected publicly when you can do it within the safety of your home – it’s far more efficient and far less humiliating.  Better yet – it’s free!  I liken Tinder to watching Foxtel; you find something that you could be okay watching, but you keep flicking just in case something better is on.  Why settle when you have a million channels to choose from? I find online dating tedious and quite frankly, boring!  Being asked how my day was, or better yet, how was work, does nothing to get my fires burning.  Unless it’s my rage fire.

Via giphy.com
Via giphy.com

But yet the hope remains that I will someday come across someone who doesn’t open with the word, “Hey” or “What’s your Snapchat so I can send you a dick pic?”

Well there it is, my first post done and dusted.  Stay tuned, I’m just getting started 😉

Signing off,