Stage 7 Clinger

As a fairly experienced participant of Tinder, I was getting quite tired of typing out my entire life story to everyone I matched with, so I decided to up the ante and ask them to coffee/drinks/Netflix & Chill a bit sooner.

I employ a yes-to-all tactic when swiping, and then just go from there with my matches.  Along came Rachel, she was cute, short and the banter was there.  To be perfectly honest, if a girl has nice eyes I’m sold.  We chatted for a few days and locked in a plan to meet for a coffee date that Sunday afternoon.

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My attempt at getting home (youtube.com)

What I didn’t plan for was the paralytic state I found myself to be in on the Saturday night prior to the date which involved losing my phone on the way home, falling head first down some stairs and knocking over everything within my sloppy reach.  I was next level wasted.

I woke the next day with about half an hour before the date was meant to start, knowing Rachel would have tried to contact me on my phone which had been found on the street by a lovely gay man and had been returned to my friend.  The same friend who had been stressing about my whereabouts all night and was picturing me robbed, bashed and unconscious in hospital.

Now, not to talk myself up or anything but I can find just about anyone on Facebook.  My stalking skills are next level so, I quickly found Rachel and messaged her to let her know that I’d lost my phone and that I would meet her a bit later than originally planned.  Although she was rather surprised to hear from me over FB, she agreed to a later time and I made my way over stopping past my mate’s to get my phone along the way.

The date began like any other, the mild awkwardness made substantially worse by my hangover and growing lump on my head.  In an attempt to make out that I was far less hungover than I actually was, I ordered coffee after coffee on the date which I’m sure she thought was a bit odd.  We got on really well, so well in fact that we decided to grab pizza and drinks to continue the date.

As we talked and laughed she shared with me a few crazy dating stories – the most shocking one being that her last relationship had ended when she finally agreed after much persuasion to have a threesome with her boyfriend of 2 years and his female co-worker.  She was swiftly dumped the next day for the co-worker and now this woman is having his baby.  Nothing like a bit of Jerry Springer to relax the mood.

We eventually called it a night, and when we said our goodbyes I went in for the cheek, she went for the lips… Tad awks but such is dating.

As our schedules were quite mismatched, with me working a night shift job and her working during the day, we would only ever be able to catch up on weekends.  The following weekend I was going away for a bucks in Melbourne and we wouldn’t be able to see each other for a full 2 weeks so, going against all dating codes, we caught up the very next day.  It was only for about an hour or so in-between her day job finishing and my night shift starting but it was 34 degrees, so she came over for a dip in my pool.  We had our first pash in the the water and all was well.

We kept in contact all week and over the weekend I flew to Melbourne for the bucks which turned out to be a 3-day bender of course.  I returned on the Sunday evening feeling like absolute death but having had an awesome time.  Rachel knew I’d be back and was dropping not-so-subtle hints for an invitation to come over.  It was 9pm at night and I thought against letting her see me in the state I was in but I eventually crumbled because I was coming down and needed to be embraced.

holdme
Via giphy.com

She arrived and we begun a Netflix & Chill situation as my hangover got progressively worse.  She had already asked me over text before coming over if I had hooked up with anyone in Melbourne to which I replied,

“No, we were on a bucks and I spent 99% of my time there in a strip club”.

She brought it up again whilst we were on the couch and I started to get a bit funny about the line of questioning.  This Netflix & Chill session had no chill but I let it go.

We ended up where most Netflix & Chill sessions end up – the bedroom – but at this point I was violently hungover and struggling for dear life.  We started to bang whilst my body shook with the effort of having to hold up my corpse over her.  In my fragile state I lasted all of a minute before collapsing.  We laughed about it and she went home, you would think fairly unsatisfied.

The next day after the usual “Morning xoxo” carry on, I copped yet another question about if I’d hooked up with anyone on the bucks.  We had only been seeing each for a week it was way too early in the game to be dealing with this kind of shit.  Ask me once?  OK.  Twice?  Fine.  But three times is a bit much.  I decided not to just leave it this time and told her not to put her insecurities on me.

RACHELFrom then on she spiraled out of control and sent page upon page of writing, saying things like, “We need to start fresh” (meanwhile we’d met twice), that we could be throwing away something that could have been great, that I’d had her fooled and that I broke her heart.  Crazy level: expert.

She had left her lipstick at my place and wanted it back, and I’m not a jerk so I was happy to give that back to her.  She continued with the pages of texts, where I initially tried to let her down easy, but then quickly discovered that wasn’t making anything better so I just stopped replying.

I let her know that I’d put her lipstick in the mailbox which brought forth more messages such as:

“Do you hate me so much that you can’t bear to see me?”

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Via giphy.com

Once she was at my house she called and left voice mails saying that she would wait outside in the rain until I came out, and another message saying she missed my company.  Thankfully I was nowhere NEAR my house at the time, I was at the football miles away.

A week passed by and the messages finally stopped but not before the grand finale message stating that even after all that had happened between us, she would give me another chance and at any time I could message her and she would take me back.

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Via giphy.com

That one minute of sex with me must have blown her mind!

Bullet

If you have a story to share please contact me at claudsvscupid@gmail.com

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Parents Gone Wild

A friend invited to me along to a Ladies Day at her boyfriend’s Rugby club and I jumped at the chance.  HELL YAS!!  I might meet a hot footballer to call bae.

Via weknowgifs.com
Via weknowgifs.com

The day was awesome fun and included a photo booth, sausage sizzle, cupcakes, stalking my ex who I forgot played (awks), Pimms cocktails and checking out all the eye candy.  NB no actual football was seen at any point, bitch please, as if we had time for that!

After a day of drinking on the lawns everyone was moved inside to a function room which reminded me faintly of being at someone’s 21st.  You know the ones – they’re usually within an RSL and have carpet dating back to the 70s.

Somewhere between my ex cornering me to say “Hi” and the charity auction of half naked players, my friends decided to call it a night (amateurs).  Leaving a party prematurely just isn’t my style (someone once told me that nothing good happens after 3am but I thoroughly disagree) so I decided to stay on.

I made friends with a  young couple from the opposing team who had been dating for about 3 years and had a 5-month old daughter together.  We instantly clicked and continued our new found friendship to the pub afterward.

At one point I was out the front in the smoking area accompanying her while she had a smoke and I got chatting to a tall, massive guy who was on one of the teams.  He seemed pretty cool so when he asked for my number, I gave it to him.  Now let me just stop the story there – I can’t remember a time when a guy has asked me for my number at a bar.  I don’t know what it is about me (Do I scare guys off?  Probably) or society (I honestly thought this phenomenon had ceased to exist).  Even crazier was that this guy actually followed up with a text the next day and we ended up going on a date later that week… Asked for my number AND follow through?  Time to eat my hat!  But that’s another story.

The night eventually came to an end and the couple dropped me home, as he was driving.  The two of them were planning on pulling over somewhere and sleeping for a bit before doing the hour drive back to where they lived, but before that he asked if he could use my bathroom.  Of course!  So they both came in and we hung out a little bit longer while they met my dogs.  Shortly after that they left and I got ready for bed.

Half an hour later she rang me and when I answered it sounded like she was crying.  I asked her what was wrong and when she responded I realised she was actually laughing.

Her:  “We’re still outside, we can’t sleep.”

And so I, the hostess with the mostess said,  “Oh, well, do you want to come in for a bit and chill?  Have a nap or something?”

Her:  “That would be amazing.”

So they both came inside and I’m not sure how, but we all ended up in my room.  The vibe was getting a bit weird, and then he made a move to kiss me!

Via giphy.com
Via giphy.com

WHAT WAS HAPPENING!?  I was suddenly stone-cold sober as I realised the two of them were propositioning me to have a threesome.  They must have discussed this in the car before ringing me to come back inside!  I know you’re probably thinking, “A hot footballer and his girlfriend want to bang you and you turn them down?  Really??”  But no, he wasn’t hot, he wasn’t my type AT ALL, and I definitely wasn’t interested in vagina being on the menu.  So, I not-so-politely declined and showed them the door.

AntoineDodsonAlthough I was flattered, it was definitely not how I saw my night panning out.  These two weren’t going to let a night without their offspring go to waste!  It was a strange experience but at least it’s a good story.  Anything for the blog.

Still got it

Signing off,

CVC

Baggage for days

After returning home from a romantic weekend wedding, my friend felt compelled to re-download Tinder and challenge the love gods once again.  

This was the result…

TINDER… Where shall I begin?  The tedious app that is forever being installed and deleted.  One minute I’m telling myself, “Don’t do it!”  And the next I find myself on a date thinking… “Is this shit for real??”

I hadn’t been on a Tinder date in MONTHS but I’d just returned home from my best friend’s wedding and was feeling lonely so I thought, “Fuck it, I’ll give it a bash!”  I started chatting with the oh-so-charming Ben who was 29, worked in real estate, and was keen to meet for a drink.  I agreed, and a few evenings later we met at a local bar.

He walked in and straight away his first mistake was being dressed so casually that he looked out of place, and his second mistake was making a phone call whilst the barmaid was totalling the round!  Of course I waited for him to pay, this was supposed to be a date!  He even jokingly said, “Now that’s $14 you owe me!”  Was this guy serious?

As we smashed a bottle of wine, the conversation wasn’t flowing that smoothly but jeez – I can talk the leg off a donkey – so I gladly chattered away.  All was going well until he made an offhand comment regarding his former drug addiction (there I was thinking for a second that he might actually be OK), and then he received a text message which he promptly read, and buried his face in his hands.

I asked him what was wrong and he said, “This is why I don’t go on Tinder dates.”   I was there thinking WTF and nagged him to show me the message.  He eventually cracked and it was a doozy – he got his last Tinder date pregnant and now she was harassing him for money!  To make matters worse, she was due in 3 fucking months!!  You can imagine the shock on my face…. But that’s not all folks!  He then informed me he had two other kids!

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Via giphy.com

I was pretty drunk by that stage and this new information was the final bullet, the date had to be over.

As I tried (unsuccessfully) to get out of the date from hell, he went in for the kill and kissed me!  VOM!  I’m not sure what signals this guy was reading but there was absolutely no reason in hell for him to be attempting intimacy at this point.  Eventually I had to just come right out and say, “This is over, GOODBYE!”  And he finally left… You’d think the night would’ve ended there but NOPE!

I turned around and got involved in a conversation between an older man and an Irish bloke who seemed to know me.  I was slightly alarmed for a second (who is this guy?), but then I realised it was my housemate’s friend who lived upstairs from me.  We continued drinking for several hours and then they decided to move on to another pub.  This should’ve been my cue to leave as I was quite drunk, but knowing no limits like I do aka Miss Never-Wants-To-Go-Home, I decided to follow suit.

By the time I’d left pub #2 I was easily, hands-down the drunkest person alive.  Everything from this point is pretty hazy… Up until waking up.  Topless.  In the neighbour’s place!  Omg the fear, the panic!  Luckily there was no sexual contact (Mother Nature made sure of that thankfully).  My virginity was intact! 😉

I left in a rush freaking out because a) he was my neighbour and b) he was my housemate’s friend!  I certainly wasn’t looking forward to that awkward run-in on the stairs.  The only positive in the whole experience was that the walk of shame was short – one floor.

The next day I’m hungover and hating Tinder.  So much for my wistful hope at romance!  Ben, my Tinder date from hell calls to ask if I want to hook up again later that evening (?!), and reassures me that he isn’t looking for another mummy for his kids.

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WTAF!  Was this guy even mentally present during the date?  I can safely say I won’t be seeing this guy ever again.  My finger is poised ready to delete Tinder but I know I’ll be swiping again real soon.  Until next time…

waste of time

If you have a story to share please contact me at claudsvscupid@gmail.com

Dave – A Dating Disaster

Here’s a tale of a friend’s experience with eHarmony… not so harmonious after all.

Like many other women, I too wanted to find love, settle down, have kids, the whole shebang.  I’d heard average things about Tinder so I thought I’d give eHarmony a go because:

  1. It’s a paid service, and
  2. The questionnaire takes approximately 86 years to fill out (all the better to find your ‘perfect match’).

So surely it’d filter out all the guys that were only DTF, right?

After chatting to a few men via email, I came across a guy named Nick.  He seemed normal enough, had a decent job, spoke highly of his family, etc.  He asked me what I was passionate about, so I began to tell him my family, friends, work etc. (fairly standard), and he informed me he was passionate about men’s rights against women.  I asked him what he meant by that and he said ‘Violence against men from women’.  I thought ‘Hmm OK, fair enough,’ and decided to not delve too deeply into that one.  He then sent me a novel of an email telling me how his ex used to bash him (he was a 6’6 huge fire fighter according to his pics) but that was OK, because her new partner murdered her last week and “SHE DESERVED IT!”

Via giphy.com
Via giphy.com

Stick a fork in me, I was done!  Needless to say, I blocked him and went on a break from eHarmony for a while.  Clearly their filtration system wan’t as fine-tuned as I had anticipated.

I then came across Dave.  We met for coffee one afternoon and again, he seemed nice enough, appeared to have nice friends, nice family, decent job and told me he was looking for love and was sick of games, etc., (tick, tick, tick).  I still wasn’t entirely sold, so I decided to remain in contact as friends.  However, I began to get drunken calls and texts from this 30 year old MAN at all hours of the night for months to come.  I was too old for that shit so I stopped responding.  This didn’t stop Dave though!  I began to hear from him almost every week for the next 2 and a half YEARS.

I guess I was beginning to think that there was something wrong with me because I just didn’t seem to like anyone and I thought maybe I was being too picky.  So when I received a happy birthday call from Dave and he said he wanted to fly up to QLD to take me on a date, I thought well, why not?  He’d been chasing me for years – surely he’d grown up a bit by now and I should just stop being so picky.

Via viralthread.com
Via viralthread.com

So he flew up for my birthday, took me out and I actually had a good time!  The next few weeks progressed quite quickly and he was flying me down to Sydney every weekend to see him.  He introduced me to his parents, friends, and told me he didn’t want me to see anyone else.  I’m not sure how conversations about relationships go these days, but I figured there were enough ‘signs’ to assume that we were exclusive.  He was still doing stupid drunken things, but I thought I could look past it.

I was down in Sydney for my best friend’s 30th and had invited Dave to attend with me to meet my friends.  He declined and said that he wasn’t drinking that weekend, which was weird considering he seemed to be drunk during most conversations I had with him.

So when I received a drunken call from him the morning of her party and he asked me to pick him up (in his car) from wherever he was, I went to ensure he was OK.  He reeked of booze but insisted that he was OK to drive.  I didn’t feel safe with him behind the wheel but there wasn’t a lot I could do, he was being very rude and basically threatened to leave me there if I didn’t let him drive.  His phone was in full view on the dashboard and suddenly it started vibrating with message alerts from Tinder!

Me: “So you’re on Tinder then?”

Him: “Well why do we need to put a label on us?”

I felt like an idiot.  It was pretty clear to me that I was looking at a very immature little boy who I wanted absolutely nothing to do with.   I turned to him and said “We don’t, let me out of the car”.  And that was that.  My friend came to pick me up from the middle of Oxford street and I was bawling my eyes out.  How could I have been so stupid?  I haven’t spoken to him since and yet he still tries to get in touch with me via every social platform in existence.

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I can laugh about it now, but it was a good lesson to always go with your gut.  I didn’t have a good feeling about him from the start, and then started questioning myself and my own morals and beliefs.  I learnt to keep my head held high, stick to my guns and know what I wanted and it eventually came to me.  I’m now happily involved with someone I met organically and it’s officially the best feeling in the world!

waste of time

If you have a story to share please contact me at claudsvscupid@gmail.com