Dating apps

Stage 7 Clinger

~ clauds1984 ~ Leave a comment

As a fairly experienced participant of Tinder, I was getting quite tired of typing out my entire life story to everyone I matched with, so I decided to up the ante and ask them to coffee/drinks/Netflix & Chill a bit sooner.

I employ a yes-to-all tactic when swiping, and then just go from there with my matches.  Along came Rachel, she was cute, short and the banter was there.  To be perfectly honest, if a girl has nice eyes I’m sold.  We chatted for a few days and locked in a plan to meet for a coffee date that Sunday afternoon.

drunk-man-on-stairs
My attempt at getting home (youtube.com)

What I didn’t plan for was the paralytic state I found myself to be in on the Saturday night prior to the date which involved losing my phone on the way home, falling head first down some stairs and knocking over everything within my sloppy reach.  I was next level wasted.

I woke the next day with about half an hour before the date was meant to start, knowing Rachel would have tried to contact me on my phone which had been found on the street by a lovely gay man and had been returned to my friend.  The same friend who had been stressing about my whereabouts all night and was picturing me robbed, bashed and unconscious in hospital.

Now, not to talk myself up or anything but I can find just about anyone on Facebook.  My stalking skills are next level so, I quickly found Rachel and messaged her to let her know that I’d lost my phone and that I would meet her a bit later than originally planned.  Although she was rather surprised to hear from me over FB, she agreed to a later time and I made my way over stopping past my mate’s to get my phone along the way.

The date began like any other, the mild awkwardness made substantially worse by my hangover and growing lump on my head.  In an attempt to make out that I was far less hungover than I actually was, I ordered coffee after coffee on the date which I’m sure she thought was a bit odd.  We got on really well, so well in fact that we decided to grab pizza and drinks to continue the date.

As we talked and laughed she shared with me a few crazy dating stories – the most shocking one being that her last relationship had ended when she finally agreed after much persuasion to have a threesome with her boyfriend of 2 years and his female co-worker.  She was swiftly dumped the next day for the co-worker and now this woman is having his baby.  Nothing like a bit of Jerry Springer to relax the mood.

We eventually called it a night, and when we said our goodbyes I went in for the cheek, she went for the lips… Tad awks but such is dating.

As our schedules were quite mismatched, with me working a night shift job and her working during the day, we would only ever be able to catch up on weekends.  The following weekend I was going away for a bucks in Melbourne and we wouldn’t be able to see each other for a full 2 weeks so, going against all dating codes, we caught up the very next day.  It was only for about an hour or so in-between her day job finishing and my night shift starting but it was 34 degrees, so she came over for a dip in my pool.  We had our first pash in the the water and all was well.

We kept in contact all week and over the weekend I flew to Melbourne for the bucks which turned out to be a 3-day bender of course.  I returned on the Sunday evening feeling like absolute death but having had an awesome time.  Rachel knew I’d be back and was dropping not-so-subtle hints for an invitation to come over.  It was 9pm at night and I thought against letting her see me in the state I was in but I eventually crumbled because I was coming down and needed to be embraced.

holdme
Via giphy.com

She arrived and we begun a Netflix & Chill situation as my hangover got progressively worse.  She had already asked me over text before coming over if I had hooked up with anyone in Melbourne to which I replied,

“No, we were on a bucks and I spent 99% of my time there in a strip club”.

She brought it up again whilst we were on the couch and I started to get a bit funny about the line of questioning.  This Netflix & Chill session had no chill but I let it go.

We ended up where most Netflix & Chill sessions end up – the bedroom – but at this point I was violently hungover and struggling for dear life.  We started to bang whilst my body shook with the effort of having to hold up my corpse over her.  In my fragile state I lasted all of a minute before collapsing.  We laughed about it and she went home, you would think fairly unsatisfied.

The next day after the usual “Morning xoxo” carry on, I copped yet another question about if I’d hooked up with anyone on the bucks.  We had only been seeing each for a week it was way too early in the game to be dealing with this kind of shit.  Ask me once?  OK.  Twice?  Fine.  But three times is a bit much.  I decided not to just leave it this time and told her not to put her insecurities on me.

RACHELFrom then on she spiraled out of control and sent page upon page of writing, saying things like, “We need to start fresh” (meanwhile we’d met twice), that we could be throwing away something that could have been great, that I’d had her fooled and that I broke her heart.  Crazy level: expert.

She had left her lipstick at my place and wanted it back, and I’m not a jerk so I was happy to give that back to her.  She continued with the pages of texts, where I initially tried to let her down easy, but then quickly discovered that wasn’t making anything better so I just stopped replying.

I let her know that I’d put her lipstick in the mailbox which brought forth more messages such as:

“Do you hate me so much that you can’t bear to see me?”

the-notebook-waited-for-you
Via giphy.com

Once she was at my house she called and left voice mails saying that she would wait outside in the rain until I came out, and another message saying she missed my company.  Thankfully I was nowhere NEAR my house at the time, I was at the football miles away.

A week passed by and the messages finally stopped but not before the grand finale message stating that even after all that had happened between us, she would give me another chance and at any time I could message her and she would take me back.

buyagun
Via giphy.com

That one minute of sex with me must have blown her mind!

Bullet

If you have a story to share please contact me at claudsvscupid@gmail.com

One Man’s Beginner’s Guide to Tinder by Alexei

~ clauds1984 ~ Leave a comment

So, your girlfriend left you after you went on a drunken rampage at her Christian Bible Studies weekend in Mudgee?  Feeling sorry for yourself and wondering what you are missing out on in the mysterious, wonderful world of online dating?  Well wonder no more, but first be aware of the basics of Tinder to steepen your learning curve and journey towards true cynicism with the online dating world.

Tinder has a number of unwritten rules and an etiquette, all based around nonchalance and an attitude of being able to walk away from a conversation with your dignity intact.

Via giphy.com
Via giphy.com

After all, it’s always better to have a list of failed conversations than to go for broke and have a constant stream of women un-matching you.  It’s just not good for the soul.

 1.  Setting up your account

First up, you’ll need to upload photos from your Facebook.  I find it best not to do too much in your photos.  How many interests do you really need to sell yourself with?  Thus begins the creation of your mystique, which will hopefully end up with you sharing a drink with a nice girl at some stage in the near future.

Get an array of photos that show you having fun, and make sure they’re recent.  There isn’t much point portraying something that you aren’t, as all you will get is a look of disappointment if you ever do meet the woman in person.  If you don’t have enough on your Facebook page, then upload some.  Sure, your news feed will look a bit weird for a day or two and you’ll get funny comments from your aunties, but it’s short term pain and embarrassment.  And who cares?  Or set your privacy settings to be only visible to you and hope for the best!  The first upload option however, will show you have the requisite disrespect for your image and the bravery required for success in your new world.

2.  The algorithm – do not fuck with it

Once you have your photos up, and definitely use all 6, make sure that Tinder is showing the ones that you chose.  It’s a bit shit and may fail you.

Welcome, rival.  You are now part of the Tinder algorithm, an indecipherable and frustrating piece of software that you now rely on for your happiness.  Ah, the euphoria you feel when you hear the sweet chimes of the new match message while sitting in a board meeting cannot truly be described.

Message every match you get and try to spark at least the semblance of a conversation or risk punishment from the algorithm.  You need the algorithm to serve your photo up so keep it happy!  And it wants you to message, not just collect endless matches for your ego.

It’s generally a slow start, but keep the faith.  You photo probably won’t be getting much air time in the early stages, but the more you play in cafes and bars, in adjoining suburbs, on the train, and the longer you wait your photo will eventually attract some interest.  And with that interest, the joyous Tinder new match alert chime.  You will become attuned to the ebbs and flows of the days of the week, and relish in the release of your charm on this unsuspecting world.

3.  Send message or keep playing?

As needy as you are for female contact, and as much as you want some cheap satisfaction, unfortunately, now is not the time.  Start out slow, with a nice “Hello Shaniquia, bit chilly out today, hows your day going?” or a similar piece of small talk.  If you have a very amusing story from your day, go all in with it and see what happens.  But, as hot as she may look in those photos, you are at a very early place in a potential meeting and have invested very little.  So don’t stress out about it.  And if you don’t get a reply, walk away.  Just leave it.  At all stages of Tinder, a man must keep his dignity intact.

Via giphy.com
Via giphy.com

Once the chat gets going, follow some simple rules.  You aren’t on here looking for a pen pal, surely?  With that in mind, keep details sparse and wit strong.  Don’t talk about your job.  The suburb you live in.  Your family, extended or otherwise.  You really want to maintain an air of mystery and intrigue.  Because when you do ask a lady out for a drink and she says yes, you want to have a ton of topics that you can still talk about.  And if she asks too many questions, she is probably ticking items off a list and is potentially psychotic and to be avoided.  Unless you dig on crazy, in which case, proceed with caution.

Don’t stress about phone numbers or phone calls.  If you go out for a date and it goes well, maybe then you can swap details.  Tinder is fine for messaging up till then.

After you have your text mojo in full swing, you need to look for an opening to ask her out on a date.  That is, assuming you aren’t getting bored or finding that you have major compatibility issues.  A good technique if you aren’t interested any more is the “no reply”.  It doesn’t matter too much and is a good way for you both to part ways without much face lost on either side.  And it will happen to you, too.

Wait for a hint that she is bored, or has a calendar gap, grow some stones and ask the question.  Demonstrate some game.  You need to commit to ask her out for a drink, on a night, in the not too distant future.  Within a few days, ideally.  Week nights are better, as they are less of a commitment from either party.  A Friday or Saturday is a bit precious for what is essentially a blind date, so pick one of the other 5 days.

4.  Not going to plan? Never fret!

When you start to sense the waves of the conversation a bit better and can see a chat is starting to get boring, this is oddly enough also a time to ask a woman out.  What have you got to lose – its dwindling away regardless.  You never know, you might end up having a great time and a few laughs.

5.  The first date

So, you have your first Tinder date.  Nice job, but don’t get cocky, kid.  Here are some tips to keep in mind before the big day:

  • Wear whatever you want,  and just be yourself.
  • Try and start off reasonably early, giving her / you the chance to cruise if it isn’t working out.
  • Don’t commit to a dinner.
  • Be a gentleman at all times.

You are essentially strangers, and despite what you have heard about Tinder she’s most likely not planning to jump into bed with you.  With that in mind, I would suggest setting up a bar tab and buying the drinks.  It sets a more relaxed tone, letting you focus on the chat and the drinks.

Via giphy.com
Via giphy.com

The awkwardness of every first meeting can’t be described, but it is something you should look forward to.  Think of it like watching a scene from “The Office”.  Revel in it, enjoy it.  It is one of the highlights of the whole experience.  This could be your future wife you’re meeting… LOL!!  But seriously, that’s what these semi-blind date situations are all about.

As you haven’t covered off much or any of your personal history you should also have a lot of content to talk about in person.  Even if you’re a bit disappointed by her looks, be cool and have a fun night.  Everyone has some good stories to tell, and you don’t have anything better to do.  You owe it to the Tinder gods to make the most of it.  One drink will inevitably lead to at least 3, by which stage you can consider going on a pub crawl, or out to a night club or whatever.  Plenty of fun and stories for you both.

6.  Rinse & Repeat

Carry on in this fashion until you find you need a break from it all, (and trust me this will happen), and then proceed when suitably refreshed and revived.

And there you have it, my guide to Tinder!  Go forth, have fun and may the odds be ever in your favour.

If you have a story to share please contact me at claudsvscupid@gmail.com

Baggage for days

~ clauds1984 ~ Leave a comment

After returning home from a romantic weekend wedding, my friend felt compelled to re-download Tinder and challenge the love gods once again.  

This was the result…

TINDER… Where shall I begin?  The tedious app that is forever being installed and deleted.  One minute I’m telling myself, “Don’t do it!”  And the next I find myself on a date thinking… “Is this shit for real??”

I hadn’t been on a Tinder date in MONTHS but I’d just returned home from my best friend’s wedding and was feeling lonely so I thought, “Fuck it, I’ll give it a bash!”  I started chatting with the oh-so-charming Ben who was 29, worked in real estate, and was keen to meet for a drink.  I agreed, and a few evenings later we met at a local bar.

He walked in and straight away his first mistake was being dressed so casually that he looked out of place, and his second mistake was making a phone call whilst the barmaid was totalling the round!  Of course I waited for him to pay, this was supposed to be a date!  He even jokingly said, “Now that’s $14 you owe me!”  Was this guy serious?

As we smashed a bottle of wine, the conversation wasn’t flowing that smoothly but jeez – I can talk the leg off a donkey – so I gladly chattered away.  All was going well until he made an offhand comment regarding his former drug addiction (there I was thinking for a second that he might actually be OK), and then he received a text message which he promptly read, and buried his face in his hands.

I asked him what was wrong and he said, “This is why I don’t go on Tinder dates.”   I was there thinking WTF and nagged him to show me the message.  He eventually cracked and it was a doozy – he got his last Tinder date pregnant and now she was harassing him for money!  To make matters worse, she was due in 3 fucking months!!  You can imagine the shock on my face…. But that’s not all folks!  He then informed me he had two other kids!

giphy.com
Via giphy.com

I was pretty drunk by that stage and this new information was the final bullet, the date had to be over.

As I tried (unsuccessfully) to get out of the date from hell, he went in for the kill and kissed me!  VOM!  I’m not sure what signals this guy was reading but there was absolutely no reason in hell for him to be attempting intimacy at this point.  Eventually I had to just come right out and say, “This is over, GOODBYE!”  And he finally left… You’d think the night would’ve ended there but NOPE!

I turned around and got involved in a conversation between an older man and an Irish bloke who seemed to know me.  I was slightly alarmed for a second (who is this guy?), but then I realised it was my housemate’s friend who lived upstairs from me.  We continued drinking for several hours and then they decided to move on to another pub.  This should’ve been my cue to leave as I was quite drunk, but knowing no limits like I do aka Miss Never-Wants-To-Go-Home, I decided to follow suit.

By the time I’d left pub #2 I was easily, hands-down the drunkest person alive.  Everything from this point is pretty hazy… Up until waking up.  Topless.  In the neighbour’s place!  Omg the fear, the panic!  Luckily there was no sexual contact (Mother Nature made sure of that thankfully).  My virginity was intact! 😉

I left in a rush freaking out because a) he was my neighbour and b) he was my housemate’s friend!  I certainly wasn’t looking forward to that awkward run-in on the stairs.  The only positive in the whole experience was that the walk of shame was short – one floor.

The next day I’m hungover and hating Tinder.  So much for my wistful hope at romance!  Ben, my Tinder date from hell calls to ask if I want to hook up again later that evening (?!), and reassures me that he isn’t looking for another mummy for his kids.

stevecarell
Via giphy.com

WTAF!  Was this guy even mentally present during the date?  I can safely say I won’t be seeing this guy ever again.  My finger is poised ready to delete Tinder but I know I’ll be swiping again real soon.  Until next time…

waste of time

If you have a story to share please contact me at claudsvscupid@gmail.com

Urban dating legend

~ clauds1984 ~ 1 Comment

This post is not one of my stories, but please enjoy it regardless 😉

It was my first stint at online dating and I was pretty skeptical.  It took me a long time to warm up to the idea of meeting someone online, but it did seem like an effective tool to meet people you wouldn’t regularly meet in day-to-day life.

So I thought, “Screw it”, and downloaded Tinder.  Probably the wrong app, I know.  No easing into things there!  But EVERYONE is on Tinder, so I thought the odds of meeting someone on that would be better than the wasteland of nothingness I was currently experiencing.  #nodates

Via giphy.com
Via giphy.com

I think it was the third date I had secured through Tinder, so I was becoming a “pro” first-dater.  I arranged to meet Seth after a Sunday ladies luncheon where the theme happened to be ‘dress in white’.  I messaged him around midday letting him know I would be finishing up at the lunch at 4pm, asking where we were going, what time etc.  It wasn’t until quarter to 4 that I heard back from him, as I was leaving, suggesting a bar in the city by 5pm.  He was already cutting it a bit fine as my friend was giving me a lift and we barely knew where we were going.  As we reached her car, it started to rain.  He texted me and said, “Oh wait!  That bar is closed today, haha”, with no suggestion of an alternative…

Via giphy.com
Via giphy.com

I was in the car with my friend not knowing where I was even going.  In the end, she had to just drop me on the side of the road at a bus stop because we weren’t randomly going to drive around waiting for his text.

So there I was.  At a bus stop.  In the rain.  Wearing all white.  No umbrella.  Waiting for this idiot to text me.  I was a short walk away from a bus stop that goes straight to my home, but I said to myself, “No, don’t be a bitch.  Just go on the date”.  Who knows, I might even have fun!  Right?

Finally he texted.

Him: “How about a walk into the rocks if you’re up for a bit of an adventure?”

My anger was slowly rising.

Me: “Doesn’t sound ideal, I’m wearing all white and I don’t have an umbrella.”

Him: “All white!  That’s an interesting choice.”

Me: “It wasn’t a choice it was a theme.  Where are we going?”

I wasn’t sure if he could tell I was pissed off but he suggested another bar, which he didn’t even know the name of.  I was 4 steps away from a train station that would take me right there so I agreed and made my way over.

I’d never had any pre-date nerves, and this one was no different.  It was only different in the sense that I was mildly enraged at the wild goose chase I had unwillingly embarked upon.  Already from this guy’s profile I knew I wasn’t really going to be into it, i.e., the first word on his bio was “dancer”.

Via giphy.com
Via giphy.com

I had such a hard time swiping right for anyone.  I found the whole process extremely vapid, and I generally don’t find someone attractive for their looks alone.  Another reason why Tinder is not the app for me.  His profile went on to say he was into acting, practices massage therapy, and “Girls to the left, ladies to the right”, which I’ll admit, did make me lol, so I swiped right after much internal debate.

I got to the bar and he was already there.  Much to my surprise he was better looking than his pictures, but I still wasn’t into it.  I made a remark about the weather being “fucked” (but really I’m talking about him), and went to the bar to get myself a drink as he already had one.  One gin and tonic, and we’re off.

After talking for a bit about complete nothing, I asked him how his Tinder was going as I had no attraction to him whatsoever, and couldn’t care less about his interactions with other females.  And for what he told me, I’m glad I went on this date, because the story he told was OUTRAGEOUS.

His first Tinder date took place in Perth, where he arranged to pick up his date as she wasn’t familiar with the bar he suggested.  If you did this in Sydney I’m pretty sure you’d end up raped and/or murdered by week’s end but maybe in Perth it was safe to get into a stranger’s car?  Who knows.  She was visibly nervous upon entering the vehicle and he could see that something wasn’t quite right, so he asked if she was OK.  She said she was fine.  He started driving, and as he did the doors locked automatically (fancy car) and she freaked out.  He said, “Everything’s OK!  That’s automatic!  We don’t have to go on this date if you don’t want to.”  She assured him that she was OK, and they carried on to the bar.

She went on to tell him about her first 3 Tinder dates, and pretty soon it was quite apparent why she had been so nervous.  The first one she turned up and her date was in a wheelchair, with no forewarning whatsoever.  An obvious shock to anyone, but I understand why he would hide it.

Via www.thinglink.com
Via http://www.thinglink.com

The second date she turned up and he was deaf.  They couldn’t even communicate!  He could understand her because he could read lips but she couldn’t understand him.  I pictured her on the date with a deaf man, sitting at opposite ends of a table, communicating via Tinder message…Lol.  It was at this point I mused that she must be lying.  No one could have this much bad luck, let alone 2 dates in a row!  And he said, “Well she was obviously turning up to our date thinking I was going to have a third arm.”  True that.

Then came the third date.  The most horrifying of them all.  She was talking to a guy, her age, good looking.  She went to meet up with him, reached the bar and couldn’t see anyone there that looked like him so she sat down to wait.  Within about 10 minutes a man who was in his late 40s approached her at the bar.  It turned out he was posing as his son on Tinder!  She got up to leave as he pleaded, “Stay for just one drink”, which she rightfully declined.

Honestly.  You can’t make that shit up!  I was amazed.  And horrified.  And amazed!  How did she make it to the 4th date let alone the 2nd?  Wherever that girl is, she needs a trophy for the stress she’s endured.

So there we were on a Sunday, 2 drinks in, conversation dwindling, and with work the next day… I decided to tap out.  But, knowing my luck, he was also catching the same train as me, and changing over at my station.  Brilliant!

As obligatory ride-or-die train buddies now, we selected the 3-seater.  I was by the window and he sat pressed up against me.  He had his legs crossed, basically pinning me to the wall with no escape.  I did my best not to linger with eye contact much ’cause I could tell it was getting creepy.  I really didn’t want to kiss him, and why should I?  I shouldn’t have to do something I don’t want to do!

We reached my stop and jumped out.  I told him I had a fun time and pretty much ran away.

Safely inside my home I looked at my phone and he had texted me saying he had a great time and that he probably would be deleting tinder soon, but he’d like to take me out again if I was interested.  I replied with, “Hey buddy, I’m not sure that there is really a romantic connection for me here but I think that you’re awesome and funny, and seeing as you’re not in a wheelchair, deaf or someone’s dad, I’m sure you won’t have trouble finding a nice lady.”  To which he replied, “Yolo,” with a fist bump emoticon.  Gotta say, that’s a pretty strange response to an I’m-just-not-that-into-you text, but I’ll take it!  He unmatched me after that, and I was glad.

For the story

If you have a story to share please contact me at claudsvscupid@gmail.com

My first ever Tinder date

~ clauds1984 ~ 1 Comment

I’m trying to remember back to a time when Tinder was all shiny and new, and believe me, it’s a hard task.  I can’t even remember the lucky guy’s name that popped my Tinder cherry but nevertheless we shall press on.

It was around Christmastime and I was chatting to a guy who was here from Perth visiting his family.  He was cute, tall and funny – sure why not?  We arranged to meet at a local bar that weekend and I deliberately arrived first so I could suss him out as he was approaching.  He looked like his pictures, was 6’1 as stated in his profile and we actually had a lot in common.  Well played, Tinder!  We took turns buying cocktail jugs over a couple of hours (no dinner) and not surprisingly we got pretty smashed.

Via giphy.com
Via giphy.com

I suggested we go upstairs where there was a dance floor area (a tactic so we could get a bit closer, wink wink), and it was only then that I realised that although he was tall, he wasn’t very built.  He was quite skinny… Like I’m talking my bicep > his.  We had been sitting across from each other for our entire date and I had quite a different physical perception of him from seated to standing.  Shallow right?  I wasn’t ready to write him off just yet but then he started dancing and he was quite possibly the worst dancer I’d ever seen.

bad-breath-o
Via gifsoup.com

Although concerning, these weren’t total deal breakers and I was willing to continue the night until he leaned in and kissed me… DEATH BREATH!  Nope, sorry, that’ll do me!  There are few things that deter me more than someone lacking basic hygiene.  Strike 3, it was over.

He excused himself to go to the bathroom and it was then that it drunkenly hit me;  I could stay and do the polite, yet awkward goodbye which could possibly end with us leaving together anyway because I was quite intoxicated, or I was going to take the coward’s way out and leave right then and there.  I opted for the latter, and with a flourish, threw my drink down (which had barely a sip taken out of it) and physically ran out of the bar, not stopping till I was in a cab.

My foggy mind came up with nothing better than, “My sister has been in a fight and I had to go to her”, sent via text.  We were in Sydney’s eastern suburbs, not the Freedom Writers movie.  Even if she had been in a fight, how long does it take a guy to pee, seriously?  Unless he was planning to brush his teeth in there which I sincerely doubted.  He replied. “Fair enough”.

He text me again the following morning to say he’d had a great time with me and I did feel pretty bad.  In hindsight it wasn’t even comparable to some of the horrors I’ve had since, but all’s fair in love and Tinder.

Heart better than nothing

Signing off,

CVC

Dave – A Dating Disaster

~ clauds1984 ~ Leave a comment

Here’s a tale of a friend’s experience with eHarmony… not so harmonious after all.

Like many other women, I too wanted to find love, settle down, have kids, the whole shebang.  I’d heard average things about Tinder so I thought I’d give eHarmony a go because:

  1. It’s a paid service, and
  2. The questionnaire takes approximately 86 years to fill out (all the better to find your ‘perfect match’).

So surely it’d filter out all the guys that were only DTF, right?

After chatting to a few men via email, I came across a guy named Nick.  He seemed normal enough, had a decent job, spoke highly of his family, etc.  He asked me what I was passionate about, so I began to tell him my family, friends, work etc. (fairly standard), and he informed me he was passionate about men’s rights against women.  I asked him what he meant by that and he said ‘Violence against men from women’.  I thought ‘Hmm OK, fair enough,’ and decided to not delve too deeply into that one.  He then sent me a novel of an email telling me how his ex used to bash him (he was a 6’6 huge fire fighter according to his pics) but that was OK, because her new partner murdered her last week and “SHE DESERVED IT!”

Via giphy.com
Via giphy.com

Stick a fork in me, I was done!  Needless to say, I blocked him and went on a break from eHarmony for a while.  Clearly their filtration system wan’t as fine-tuned as I had anticipated.

I then came across Dave.  We met for coffee one afternoon and again, he seemed nice enough, appeared to have nice friends, nice family, decent job and told me he was looking for love and was sick of games, etc., (tick, tick, tick).  I still wasn’t entirely sold, so I decided to remain in contact as friends.  However, I began to get drunken calls and texts from this 30 year old MAN at all hours of the night for months to come.  I was too old for that shit so I stopped responding.  This didn’t stop Dave though!  I began to hear from him almost every week for the next 2 and a half YEARS.

I guess I was beginning to think that there was something wrong with me because I just didn’t seem to like anyone and I thought maybe I was being too picky.  So when I received a happy birthday call from Dave and he said he wanted to fly up to QLD to take me on a date, I thought well, why not?  He’d been chasing me for years – surely he’d grown up a bit by now and I should just stop being so picky.

Via viralthread.com
Via viralthread.com

So he flew up for my birthday, took me out and I actually had a good time!  The next few weeks progressed quite quickly and he was flying me down to Sydney every weekend to see him.  He introduced me to his parents, friends, and told me he didn’t want me to see anyone else.  I’m not sure how conversations about relationships go these days, but I figured there were enough ‘signs’ to assume that we were exclusive.  He was still doing stupid drunken things, but I thought I could look past it.

I was down in Sydney for my best friend’s 30th and had invited Dave to attend with me to meet my friends.  He declined and said that he wasn’t drinking that weekend, which was weird considering he seemed to be drunk during most conversations I had with him.

So when I received a drunken call from him the morning of her party and he asked me to pick him up (in his car) from wherever he was, I went to ensure he was OK.  He reeked of booze but insisted that he was OK to drive.  I didn’t feel safe with him behind the wheel but there wasn’t a lot I could do, he was being very rude and basically threatened to leave me there if I didn’t let him drive.  His phone was in full view on the dashboard and suddenly it started vibrating with message alerts from Tinder!

Me: “So you’re on Tinder then?”

Him: “Well why do we need to put a label on us?”

I felt like an idiot.  It was pretty clear to me that I was looking at a very immature little boy who I wanted absolutely nothing to do with.   I turned to him and said “We don’t, let me out of the car”.  And that was that.  My friend came to pick me up from the middle of Oxford street and I was bawling my eyes out.  How could I have been so stupid?  I haven’t spoken to him since and yet he still tries to get in touch with me via every social platform in existence.

ronloser
Via giphy.com

I can laugh about it now, but it was a good lesson to always go with your gut.  I didn’t have a good feeling about him from the start, and then started questioning myself and my own morals and beliefs.  I learnt to keep my head held high, stick to my guns and know what I wanted and it eventually came to me.  I’m now happily involved with someone I met organically and it’s officially the best feeling in the world!

waste of time

If you have a story to share please contact me at claudsvscupid@gmail.com

Tinder Tantrums

~ clauds1984 ~ Leave a comment

I sometimes see guys on Tinder that I’ve matched with before because when you delete the app then re-download it (5th time lucky for me!!) it wipes any history and your dating pool is replenished.  Thank god for that, right?

Via Imgflip.com
Via Imgflip.com

I had seen Steve a few times on Tinder and more recently Happn so I decided it was about time we went for a drink.  I also noticed that we had a mutual friend which always seems to make things less creepy.  Speaking of creepy, please excuse the time that I sent my first message, it was a Wednesday night (not typical for a booty call) and I had insomnia.  He seemed normal enough, he was tall AF, and there I was thinking, “This’ll be funny, a fellow veteran of Tinder, imagine the lols!”  Not quite.

steve1

So a grown man was basically throwing a tantrum because a) I wasn’t available at an hours’ notice, and b) I wouldn’t go over to his place for an initial meeting.  Is this real life?

steve2

Obviously he was trying to say that you can tell if a person is a reputable human being by the photos they upload on Tinder.  Um, I’m sorry what?  Just because you opted for a picture of you on the beach doesn’t make you a non-serial killer.  Although I suppose if you were posing with a dead corpse I may have my suspicions…  My point is you can’t tell shit about someone from their pics.  Dumbest statement ever, made even dumber by the misspell.

Shortly after this exchange he unmatched me, never to be seen again.  Oh, except through our mutual friend on Facebook!  May as well hit her up and find out how she knows this freak.  Turns out she had dated him a couple of times last year and she offered this insight; “He didn’t seem too bad.  A little keen but harmless enough”.  So he WASN’T a serial killer??  Dammit did I just lose my one chance at true love?  Ah well, plenty more dregs in the sea, all aboard the Tinder Train to continue my journey!

Signing off,

CVC

The Importance of Screening

~ clauds1984 ~ 2 Comments

I had been talking to Ben on Tinder for a short period of time when he asked me to have dinner with him and perhaps see a movie.  A movie for a first date was an odd suggestion coming from someone over the age of 13 (this guy was 31), but I tentatively agreed.  Obviously if he turned out to be a freak I wouldn’t be spending 2 hours in a dark cinema with him.  We organized to meet one Friday evening and it wasn’t till a couple of people asked me in the lead up what he did for work, that I realized I didn’t actually know a lot about this guy.  But that’s what a date is for, to get to know someone better and at least we’d have heaps to talk about, right?

I’d almost reached the bar when he rang to ask what drink I’d like.  Major points for that one Romeo, drink on arrival, impressive!  Luckily he was standing at the bar with our two drinks because his pics on Tinder were all surfing shots taken from 26km away except for one which was dark and grainy… It was practically a blind date.

He was tall, dressed well and wasn’t channeling Quasimodo released from the bell tower so we were on track for a great date…or so I thought.  We took a seat in the cocktail lounge area and the conversation turned to his recent move to Sydney.  He had moved around a bit and I asked if this was related to his job.  That’s when the first bomb dropped, “I was previously married… well technically I’m still married but we’ve been separated for over 12 months”.  I’m thinking ok, well whatever… we’re both in our 30s… people have pasts… it’s not the end of the world…  I let it slide.  He then dropped a second bomb, “I also have 2 children”.

Via giphy.com
Via giphy.com

MAJOR deal breaker!  Definitely something you should mention before the first date.

Me: “Why wouldn’t you tell me that?”

Him: “I usually do bring it up quite quickly but because we hadn’t been talking for very long, as I was telling you just now I realized it hadn’t been discussed.”

I asked him how old they were… 3 and 6 so it’s not like they were even close to being able to take care of themselves!  I started rambling as to why him having children wasn’t going to work for me:

  • I’m not maternal at all
  • I don’t know if I want kids
  • I can’t even take care of myself let alone raise another human being

Do you know what he said?  “Well that’s the perfect answer.”  I was like:

Via giphy.com
Via giphy.com

Perfect answer for what exactly?

He asked me if we should just call it right there and end the date which in hindsight I probably should’ve but felt like a total bitch to just be like, “Cya round”, so we continued the date and he bought us another round of drinks.

I asked him why the marriage ended and he told me that he found out his wife was cheating on him.  After he’d found an incriminating text he apparently “snapped”, moved states, unknowingly signed over both their properties, his ute etc. to her and basically lost everything overnight.  He hadn’t seen his kids either.  Now at this point I’m thinking; there’s more to this story than what he’s telling me.  So I queried his use of the word “snapped”, what did he mean by that?  Did he mean that he had anger issues and was going to hurt somebody or what?  That’s when the third bomb was revealed: he had STAGE ONE BI POLAR.  Oh good!

Me: “Sooooo, you’re medicated?”

Him: “Oh nah I just manage it with diet”.

Me: “What, really?”

Him: “Nah I’m kidding, I’m medicated”.

He was turning it into a joke??  The only laughter heard was from me nervously trying to laugh it off like it was nothing.  He explained that his diagnosis was characterized by anxiety and depression, which let’s face it, are fairly common practice these days anyway, and with that he ordered more drinks.

I actually felt bad for the guy… Cheating wife, losing everything overnight, not being able to see his kids and now bi polar?  He seemed like a lovely guy, he had definitely been well trained in terms of being polite and attentive; he’d just had a bad run.

He had paid for every round without hesitation but I was kinda thinking well, so he should after basically misleading me.  I’m not sure how the next bomb was brought up; it’s like it came out of nowhere.  I had navigated the date like a minefield and it wasn’t over yet.

“I should probably also mention that I have Lupus”.

Via giphy.com
Via giphy.com

The first thing that came into my head is: this is a serious illness, like on the level of MS, but I couldn’t quite remember what it was.  He explained to me that it’s when a person has too many white blood cells which means that they heal really fast if they cut themselves but the downside is chronic pain in their day-to-day lives.

Funnily enough I saw a program later that week where a woman couldn’t get out of bed, go in the sun or go to work because she had Lupus.  Obviously this guy wasn’t suffering too badly seeing as he was getting around on a surf board and holding down a job but still, most people aren’t signing up to be a caregiver on the first date.

He didn’t really go into all the symptoms, just the boosted healing power, chronic pain and said it was an auto immune disease.  I also suffer from an auto immune disease (ulcerative colitis) so I jumped in with that, again trying to make light of it, laugh it off and not make it awkward but internally I was starting to panic.  How do I get out of this date??

We ended up moving to the bistro area to get some food – thank god because I was drinking on an empty stomach and was starting to get tipsy.  He was also getting drunk and quite frankly, a bit annoying, saying childish things and starting to rub me the wrong way.  He wanted a chicken Caesar salad under the guise of it being a “healthy” option which I laughed at and pretty much bullied him into getting a steak.  First of all; what man orders a salad, and second of all; a Caesar salad was potentially the unhealthiest choice on the menu.

He got up to go and order our food saying, “Oh I’ll get this,” but he didn’t seem happy about it.  Oh no was I supposed to offer to pay?  Great, now he’s got the shits!  I’m feeling really uncomfortable about the whole situation so while he’s up at the counter paying for our order I’m literally scanning the room judging how far away the door is.  Could I make a break for it?  But no, that’s totally mean.  Him turning back to our seats and I’m just gone?  LOL.  Ok, I’m lying.  If the door had been closer I would’ve done it.  I wanted OUT.

He came back to the table and got out his phone saying, “So are we going to see this movie?  I should check the times…”  I couldn’t believe this guy was still thinking the date was going well enough that we would continue it for another 2 hours!!  I looked at him with a pained look and shook my head.  He said, “So you don’t want to see a movie with me?” I tried to let him down gently but it didn’t quite work.

Him (bitterly): “Oh, so I’ve just paid for your dinner…”

Me (babbling): “No that’s fine, I’m happy to pay for my meal… look I’m not having a terrible time I just don’t think I want to see the movie.  There’s been a lot of new information to process on this date but at the same time you’re new to Sydney, I have quite a few connections, we could still be mates”.

Meanwhile there’s no way in hell I was ever seeing or speaking to this man again but I didn’t need him flying off the handle at me in a public place.  He did anyway, standing up to say, “Well that just shows how pretentious you are.  Enjoy your meal”.  And with that he WALKED OUT!  I was sitting at the table actually laughing, I could not believe how this had panned out.

I ran up to the kitchen window to cancel our meals but it was too late they would be ready in 5 minutes.  Fuck, what do I do now?  I saw a guy seated near me and his mate was approaching with beers.  I walked up to their table and said:

Me: “This is really random, but have you guys eaten?”

One said yes, the other no.

Me: “Reason I ask is that I’ve just had a Tinder date go terribly wrong and I was wondering if you guys wanted our food?”

Guy 1: “Please sit down and join us!  We need to hear this story”.

So I filled them in on the date and we had a good laugh.  I ate my schnitzel while the boys shared his steak saying things like, “This steak is too well done, I didn’t order this!”  We had so much fun and held great banter.  One of the guys even gave me his number under the premise that I’d send him the link to my blog once it was up and running.  I doubted this was the only reason seeing as his friend kept mentioning that he was single and even took a picture of us on his phone saying, “Cute couple!”  So not only had I turned the date from hell into an enjoyable experience with complete strangers, but I now had another guy’s phone number as well.  #winning!

steak

I received a text from Ben during dinner:

“You know so many people, but your on Tinder…. Good one”

I read it out to the boys and we laughed at his incorrect use of ‘your’.  Another text came through minutes later.

“Your beautiful by the way!”

LOL was this guy serious?  Obviously that’s the bi polar coming out?

I’m not sure if your phone does this but when I add new numbers to it, it syncs with Facebook and brings them up in your “People You May Know” section.  The guy who gave me his number soon pops up on Facebook and guess what?  He’s far from single!  Every pic is of him and what I assume to be his significant other.  What a dickhead!  Does nothing to restore my faith in men, let me tell you.

I also received a further text from Ben at about 7am the next day saying; “Thanks for lastnight, thus is how it ended” (spelling errors on point), with a picture of a pokie machine.  At first I was confused thinking – is he saying I drove him to gamble?  But then I looked closer and realized he’d won over a grand so then I didn’t feel so bad for letting him pay for everything!

Heart better than nothing

Signing off,

CVC

Let’s talk Tinder

~ clauds1984 ~ 1 Comment

OK so unless you’ve been living under a rock for some time, you will have heard about the dating app Tinder.  How it works is this: you judge a potential match based on their profile photos (and possibly a vague, irrelevant tag line) by swiping right for yes or left for no.  If both parties have mutually liked one another, a match is made and 90% of the time that’s it.  No one actually messages each other, it’s like a Mexican stand-off as to who will write first.  And so you keep on playing i.e. swiping as fast as your thumb will allow.

I have a love-hate relationship with Tinder… well mostly hate tbh.  I have deleted and re-downloaded it about 5 times over the space of a year and a half.  Why do I keep getting lured back?  I’ll tell you.  A few of my close friends have met partners through Tinder and are still happily together.  This small percentage of successful interactions keeps the dream alive for me.  Maybe it’ll be different this time?  But it never is.

We are living in such a fickle generation where everyone is waiting for the next best thing.  We as a society have been geared to always be chasing instant gratification.  Hungry?  Order food to your door.  Bored?  Stream movies (porn) right to your tv or laptop.  Need something new but can’t afford it?  Credit cards!

Enter Tinder; dating takeaway!  Why go out to a bar and be rejected publicly when you can do it within the safety of your home – it’s far more efficient and far less humiliating.  Better yet – it’s free!  I liken Tinder to watching Foxtel; you find something that you could be okay watching, but you keep flicking just in case something better is on.  Why settle when you have a million channels to choose from? I find online dating tedious and quite frankly, boring!  Being asked how my day was, or better yet, how was work, does nothing to get my fires burning.  Unless it’s my rage fire.

Via giphy.com
Via giphy.com

But yet the hope remains that I will someday come across someone who doesn’t open with the word, “Hey” or “What’s your Snapchat so I can send you a dick pic?”

Well there it is, my first post done and dusted.  Stay tuned, I’m just getting started 😉

Signing off,

CVC