Stage 7 Clinger

As a fairly experienced participant of Tinder, I was getting quite tired of typing out my entire life story to everyone I matched with, so I decided to up the ante and ask them to coffee/drinks/Netflix & Chill a bit sooner.

I employ a yes-to-all tactic when swiping, and then just go from there with my matches.  Along came Rachel, she was cute, short and the banter was there.  To be perfectly honest, if a girl has nice eyes I’m sold.  We chatted for a few days and locked in a plan to meet for a coffee date that Sunday afternoon.

drunk-man-on-stairs
My attempt at getting home (youtube.com)

What I didn’t plan for was the paralytic state I found myself to be in on the Saturday night prior to the date which involved losing my phone on the way home, falling head first down some stairs and knocking over everything within my sloppy reach.  I was next level wasted.

I woke the next day with about half an hour before the date was meant to start, knowing Rachel would have tried to contact me on my phone which had been found on the street by a lovely gay man and had been returned to my friend.  The same friend who had been stressing about my whereabouts all night and was picturing me robbed, bashed and unconscious in hospital.

Now, not to talk myself up or anything but I can find just about anyone on Facebook.  My stalking skills are next level so, I quickly found Rachel and messaged her to let her know that I’d lost my phone and that I would meet her a bit later than originally planned.  Although she was rather surprised to hear from me over FB, she agreed to a later time and I made my way over stopping past my mate’s to get my phone along the way.

The date began like any other, the mild awkwardness made substantially worse by my hangover and growing lump on my head.  In an attempt to make out that I was far less hungover than I actually was, I ordered coffee after coffee on the date which I’m sure she thought was a bit odd.  We got on really well, so well in fact that we decided to grab pizza and drinks to continue the date.

As we talked and laughed she shared with me a few crazy dating stories – the most shocking one being that her last relationship had ended when she finally agreed after much persuasion to have a threesome with her boyfriend of 2 years and his female co-worker.  She was swiftly dumped the next day for the co-worker and now this woman is having his baby.  Nothing like a bit of Jerry Springer to relax the mood.

We eventually called it a night, and when we said our goodbyes I went in for the cheek, she went for the lips… Tad awks but such is dating.

As our schedules were quite mismatched, with me working a night shift job and her working during the day, we would only ever be able to catch up on weekends.  The following weekend I was going away for a bucks in Melbourne and we wouldn’t be able to see each other for a full 2 weeks so, going against all dating codes, we caught up the very next day.  It was only for about an hour or so in-between her day job finishing and my night shift starting but it was 34 degrees, so she came over for a dip in my pool.  We had our first pash in the the water and all was well.

We kept in contact all week and over the weekend I flew to Melbourne for the bucks which turned out to be a 3-day bender of course.  I returned on the Sunday evening feeling like absolute death but having had an awesome time.  Rachel knew I’d be back and was dropping not-so-subtle hints for an invitation to come over.  It was 9pm at night and I thought against letting her see me in the state I was in but I eventually crumbled because I was coming down and needed to be embraced.

holdme
Via giphy.com

She arrived and we begun a Netflix & Chill situation as my hangover got progressively worse.  She had already asked me over text before coming over if I had hooked up with anyone in Melbourne to which I replied,

“No, we were on a bucks and I spent 99% of my time there in a strip club”.

She brought it up again whilst we were on the couch and I started to get a bit funny about the line of questioning.  This Netflix & Chill session had no chill but I let it go.

We ended up where most Netflix & Chill sessions end up – the bedroom – but at this point I was violently hungover and struggling for dear life.  We started to bang whilst my body shook with the effort of having to hold up my corpse over her.  In my fragile state I lasted all of a minute before collapsing.  We laughed about it and she went home, you would think fairly unsatisfied.

The next day after the usual “Morning xoxo” carry on, I copped yet another question about if I’d hooked up with anyone on the bucks.  We had only been seeing each for a week it was way too early in the game to be dealing with this kind of shit.  Ask me once?  OK.  Twice?  Fine.  But three times is a bit much.  I decided not to just leave it this time and told her not to put her insecurities on me.

RACHELFrom then on she spiraled out of control and sent page upon page of writing, saying things like, “We need to start fresh” (meanwhile we’d met twice), that we could be throwing away something that could have been great, that I’d had her fooled and that I broke her heart.  Crazy level: expert.

She had left her lipstick at my place and wanted it back, and I’m not a jerk so I was happy to give that back to her.  She continued with the pages of texts, where I initially tried to let her down easy, but then quickly discovered that wasn’t making anything better so I just stopped replying.

I let her know that I’d put her lipstick in the mailbox which brought forth more messages such as:

“Do you hate me so much that you can’t bear to see me?”

the-notebook-waited-for-you
Via giphy.com

Once she was at my house she called and left voice mails saying that she would wait outside in the rain until I came out, and another message saying she missed my company.  Thankfully I was nowhere NEAR my house at the time, I was at the football miles away.

A week passed by and the messages finally stopped but not before the grand finale message stating that even after all that had happened between us, she would give me another chance and at any time I could message her and she would take me back.

buyagun
Via giphy.com

That one minute of sex with me must have blown her mind!

Bullet

If you have a story to share please contact me at claudsvscupid@gmail.com

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Urban dating legend

This post is not one of my stories, but please enjoy it regardless 😉

It was my first stint at online dating and I was pretty skeptical.  It took me a long time to warm up to the idea of meeting someone online, but it did seem like an effective tool to meet people you wouldn’t regularly meet in day-to-day life.

So I thought, “Screw it”, and downloaded Tinder.  Probably the wrong app, I know.  No easing into things there!  But EVERYONE is on Tinder, so I thought the odds of meeting someone on that would be better than the wasteland of nothingness I was currently experiencing.  #nodates

Via giphy.com
Via giphy.com

I think it was the third date I had secured through Tinder, so I was becoming a “pro” first-dater.  I arranged to meet Seth after a Sunday ladies luncheon where the theme happened to be ‘dress in white’.  I messaged him around midday letting him know I would be finishing up at the lunch at 4pm, asking where we were going, what time etc.  It wasn’t until quarter to 4 that I heard back from him, as I was leaving, suggesting a bar in the city by 5pm.  He was already cutting it a bit fine as my friend was giving me a lift and we barely knew where we were going.  As we reached her car, it started to rain.  He texted me and said, “Oh wait!  That bar is closed today, haha”, with no suggestion of an alternative…

Via giphy.com
Via giphy.com

I was in the car with my friend not knowing where I was even going.  In the end, she had to just drop me on the side of the road at a bus stop because we weren’t randomly going to drive around waiting for his text.

So there I was.  At a bus stop.  In the rain.  Wearing all white.  No umbrella.  Waiting for this idiot to text me.  I was a short walk away from a bus stop that goes straight to my home, but I said to myself, “No, don’t be a bitch.  Just go on the date”.  Who knows, I might even have fun!  Right?

Finally he texted.

Him: “How about a walk into the rocks if you’re up for a bit of an adventure?”

My anger was slowly rising.

Me: “Doesn’t sound ideal, I’m wearing all white and I don’t have an umbrella.”

Him: “All white!  That’s an interesting choice.”

Me: “It wasn’t a choice it was a theme.  Where are we going?”

I wasn’t sure if he could tell I was pissed off but he suggested another bar, which he didn’t even know the name of.  I was 4 steps away from a train station that would take me right there so I agreed and made my way over.

I’d never had any pre-date nerves, and this one was no different.  It was only different in the sense that I was mildly enraged at the wild goose chase I had unwillingly embarked upon.  Already from this guy’s profile I knew I wasn’t really going to be into it, i.e., the first word on his bio was “dancer”.

Via giphy.com
Via giphy.com

I had such a hard time swiping right for anyone.  I found the whole process extremely vapid, and I generally don’t find someone attractive for their looks alone.  Another reason why Tinder is not the app for me.  His profile went on to say he was into acting, practices massage therapy, and “Girls to the left, ladies to the right”, which I’ll admit, did make me lol, so I swiped right after much internal debate.

I got to the bar and he was already there.  Much to my surprise he was better looking than his pictures, but I still wasn’t into it.  I made a remark about the weather being “fucked” (but really I’m talking about him), and went to the bar to get myself a drink as he already had one.  One gin and tonic, and we’re off.

After talking for a bit about complete nothing, I asked him how his Tinder was going as I had no attraction to him whatsoever, and couldn’t care less about his interactions with other females.  And for what he told me, I’m glad I went on this date, because the story he told was OUTRAGEOUS.

His first Tinder date took place in Perth, where he arranged to pick up his date as she wasn’t familiar with the bar he suggested.  If you did this in Sydney I’m pretty sure you’d end up raped and/or murdered by week’s end but maybe in Perth it was safe to get into a stranger’s car?  Who knows.  She was visibly nervous upon entering the vehicle and he could see that something wasn’t quite right, so he asked if she was OK.  She said she was fine.  He started driving, and as he did the doors locked automatically (fancy car) and she freaked out.  He said, “Everything’s OK!  That’s automatic!  We don’t have to go on this date if you don’t want to.”  She assured him that she was OK, and they carried on to the bar.

She went on to tell him about her first 3 Tinder dates, and pretty soon it was quite apparent why she had been so nervous.  The first one she turned up and her date was in a wheelchair, with no forewarning whatsoever.  An obvious shock to anyone, but I understand why he would hide it.

Via www.thinglink.com
Via http://www.thinglink.com

The second date she turned up and he was deaf.  They couldn’t even communicate!  He could understand her because he could read lips but she couldn’t understand him.  I pictured her on the date with a deaf man, sitting at opposite ends of a table, communicating via Tinder message…Lol.  It was at this point I mused that she must be lying.  No one could have this much bad luck, let alone 2 dates in a row!  And he said, “Well she was obviously turning up to our date thinking I was going to have a third arm.”  True that.

Then came the third date.  The most horrifying of them all.  She was talking to a guy, her age, good looking.  She went to meet up with him, reached the bar and couldn’t see anyone there that looked like him so she sat down to wait.  Within about 10 minutes a man who was in his late 40s approached her at the bar.  It turned out he was posing as his son on Tinder!  She got up to leave as he pleaded, “Stay for just one drink”, which she rightfully declined.

Honestly.  You can’t make that shit up!  I was amazed.  And horrified.  And amazed!  How did she make it to the 4th date let alone the 2nd?  Wherever that girl is, she needs a trophy for the stress she’s endured.

So there we were on a Sunday, 2 drinks in, conversation dwindling, and with work the next day… I decided to tap out.  But, knowing my luck, he was also catching the same train as me, and changing over at my station.  Brilliant!

As obligatory ride-or-die train buddies now, we selected the 3-seater.  I was by the window and he sat pressed up against me.  He had his legs crossed, basically pinning me to the wall with no escape.  I did my best not to linger with eye contact much ’cause I could tell it was getting creepy.  I really didn’t want to kiss him, and why should I?  I shouldn’t have to do something I don’t want to do!

We reached my stop and jumped out.  I told him I had a fun time and pretty much ran away.

Safely inside my home I looked at my phone and he had texted me saying he had a great time and that he probably would be deleting tinder soon, but he’d like to take me out again if I was interested.  I replied with, “Hey buddy, I’m not sure that there is really a romantic connection for me here but I think that you’re awesome and funny, and seeing as you’re not in a wheelchair, deaf or someone’s dad, I’m sure you won’t have trouble finding a nice lady.”  To which he replied, “Yolo,” with a fist bump emoticon.  Gotta say, that’s a pretty strange response to an I’m-just-not-that-into-you text, but I’ll take it!  He unmatched me after that, and I was glad.

For the story

If you have a story to share please contact me at claudsvscupid@gmail.com

My first ever Tinder date

I’m trying to remember back to a time when Tinder was all shiny and new, and believe me, it’s a hard task.  I can’t even remember the lucky guy’s name that popped my Tinder cherry but nevertheless we shall press on.

It was around Christmastime and I was chatting to a guy who was here from Perth visiting his family.  He was cute, tall and funny – sure why not?  We arranged to meet at a local bar that weekend and I deliberately arrived first so I could suss him out as he was approaching.  He looked like his pictures, was 6’1 as stated in his profile and we actually had a lot in common.  Well played, Tinder!  We took turns buying cocktail jugs over a couple of hours (no dinner) and not surprisingly we got pretty smashed.

Via giphy.com
Via giphy.com

I suggested we go upstairs where there was a dance floor area (a tactic so we could get a bit closer, wink wink), and it was only then that I realised that although he was tall, he wasn’t very built.  He was quite skinny… Like I’m talking my bicep > his.  We had been sitting across from each other for our entire date and I had quite a different physical perception of him from seated to standing.  Shallow right?  I wasn’t ready to write him off just yet but then he started dancing and he was quite possibly the worst dancer I’d ever seen.

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Via gifsoup.com

Although concerning, these weren’t total deal breakers and I was willing to continue the night until he leaned in and kissed me… DEATH BREATH!  Nope, sorry, that’ll do me!  There are few things that deter me more than someone lacking basic hygiene.  Strike 3, it was over.

He excused himself to go to the bathroom and it was then that it drunkenly hit me;  I could stay and do the polite, yet awkward goodbye which could possibly end with us leaving together anyway because I was quite intoxicated, or I was going to take the coward’s way out and leave right then and there.  I opted for the latter, and with a flourish, threw my drink down (which had barely a sip taken out of it) and physically ran out of the bar, not stopping till I was in a cab.

My foggy mind came up with nothing better than, “My sister has been in a fight and I had to go to her”, sent via text.  We were in Sydney’s eastern suburbs, not the Freedom Writers movie.  Even if she had been in a fight, how long does it take a guy to pee, seriously?  Unless he was planning to brush his teeth in there which I sincerely doubted.  He replied. “Fair enough”.

He text me again the following morning to say he’d had a great time with me and I did feel pretty bad.  In hindsight it wasn’t even comparable to some of the horrors I’ve had since, but all’s fair in love and Tinder.

Heart better than nothing

Signing off,

CVC