Stage 7 Clinger

As a fairly experienced participant of Tinder, I was getting quite tired of typing out my entire life story to everyone I matched with, so I decided to up the ante and ask them to coffee/drinks/Netflix & Chill a bit sooner.

I employ a yes-to-all tactic when swiping, and then just go from there with my matches.  Along came Rachel, she was cute, short and the banter was there.  To be perfectly honest, if a girl has nice eyes I’m sold.  We chatted for a few days and locked in a plan to meet for a coffee date that Sunday afternoon.

drunk-man-on-stairs
My attempt at getting home (youtube.com)

What I didn’t plan for was the paralytic state I found myself to be in on the Saturday night prior to the date which involved losing my phone on the way home, falling head first down some stairs and knocking over everything within my sloppy reach.  I was next level wasted.

I woke the next day with about half an hour before the date was meant to start, knowing Rachel would have tried to contact me on my phone which had been found on the street by a lovely gay man and had been returned to my friend.  The same friend who had been stressing about my whereabouts all night and was picturing me robbed, bashed and unconscious in hospital.

Now, not to talk myself up or anything but I can find just about anyone on Facebook.  My stalking skills are next level so, I quickly found Rachel and messaged her to let her know that I’d lost my phone and that I would meet her a bit later than originally planned.  Although she was rather surprised to hear from me over FB, she agreed to a later time and I made my way over stopping past my mate’s to get my phone along the way.

The date began like any other, the mild awkwardness made substantially worse by my hangover and growing lump on my head.  In an attempt to make out that I was far less hungover than I actually was, I ordered coffee after coffee on the date which I’m sure she thought was a bit odd.  We got on really well, so well in fact that we decided to grab pizza and drinks to continue the date.

As we talked and laughed she shared with me a few crazy dating stories – the most shocking one being that her last relationship had ended when she finally agreed after much persuasion to have a threesome with her boyfriend of 2 years and his female co-worker.  She was swiftly dumped the next day for the co-worker and now this woman is having his baby.  Nothing like a bit of Jerry Springer to relax the mood.

We eventually called it a night, and when we said our goodbyes I went in for the cheek, she went for the lips… Tad awks but such is dating.

As our schedules were quite mismatched, with me working a night shift job and her working during the day, we would only ever be able to catch up on weekends.  The following weekend I was going away for a bucks in Melbourne and we wouldn’t be able to see each other for a full 2 weeks so, going against all dating codes, we caught up the very next day.  It was only for about an hour or so in-between her day job finishing and my night shift starting but it was 34 degrees, so she came over for a dip in my pool.  We had our first pash in the the water and all was well.

We kept in contact all week and over the weekend I flew to Melbourne for the bucks which turned out to be a 3-day bender of course.  I returned on the Sunday evening feeling like absolute death but having had an awesome time.  Rachel knew I’d be back and was dropping not-so-subtle hints for an invitation to come over.  It was 9pm at night and I thought against letting her see me in the state I was in but I eventually crumbled because I was coming down and needed to be embraced.

holdme
Via giphy.com

She arrived and we begun a Netflix & Chill situation as my hangover got progressively worse.  She had already asked me over text before coming over if I had hooked up with anyone in Melbourne to which I replied,

“No, we were on a bucks and I spent 99% of my time there in a strip club”.

She brought it up again whilst we were on the couch and I started to get a bit funny about the line of questioning.  This Netflix & Chill session had no chill but I let it go.

We ended up where most Netflix & Chill sessions end up – the bedroom – but at this point I was violently hungover and struggling for dear life.  We started to bang whilst my body shook with the effort of having to hold up my corpse over her.  In my fragile state I lasted all of a minute before collapsing.  We laughed about it and she went home, you would think fairly unsatisfied.

The next day after the usual “Morning xoxo” carry on, I copped yet another question about if I’d hooked up with anyone on the bucks.  We had only been seeing each for a week it was way too early in the game to be dealing with this kind of shit.  Ask me once?  OK.  Twice?  Fine.  But three times is a bit much.  I decided not to just leave it this time and told her not to put her insecurities on me.

RACHELFrom then on she spiraled out of control and sent page upon page of writing, saying things like, “We need to start fresh” (meanwhile we’d met twice), that we could be throwing away something that could have been great, that I’d had her fooled and that I broke her heart.  Crazy level: expert.

She had left her lipstick at my place and wanted it back, and I’m not a jerk so I was happy to give that back to her.  She continued with the pages of texts, where I initially tried to let her down easy, but then quickly discovered that wasn’t making anything better so I just stopped replying.

I let her know that I’d put her lipstick in the mailbox which brought forth more messages such as:

“Do you hate me so much that you can’t bear to see me?”

the-notebook-waited-for-you
Via giphy.com

Once she was at my house she called and left voice mails saying that she would wait outside in the rain until I came out, and another message saying she missed my company.  Thankfully I was nowhere NEAR my house at the time, I was at the football miles away.

A week passed by and the messages finally stopped but not before the grand finale message stating that even after all that had happened between us, she would give me another chance and at any time I could message her and she would take me back.

buyagun
Via giphy.com

That one minute of sex with me must have blown her mind!

Bullet

If you have a story to share please contact me at claudsvscupid@gmail.com

Advertisements

The Bird Man Chronicles

In a recent bid to go off the (dating) grid I decided to delete all my dating profiles to take a break, re-focus, and try to shake the jaded animosity the online dating world had drawn out of me.

It was around this time that I was also quite enjoying the trance music scene and had been added to a Facebook group that kept its members updated on the latest trance news and events.  Someone had posted some video footage from an event I had attended and I ‘liked’ it, nek minnit the guy that had posted the video had sent me a private message on Facebook asking me out!  Was Facebook the new Tinder?

Earlier that day I had been asked by a friend what I was looking for in a partner because she was going to see if any of her guy friends fit the bill.  I came up with 5 things off the top of my head (in no particular order):

  1. Tall
  2. Good sense of humour
  3. Able to carry a conversation
  4. Stuff in common – I’d love to date someone into house/progressive/trance music
  5. Likes to go out and be social, gigs, festivals etc. No homebodies.

I thought to myself, well this dude obviously ticks two of those boxes seeing as he was into the same music/festivals as I was, so I thought I’d give him a chance.  Could you imagine if that’s all I had to do this whole time?  Just write some shit down and the universe would hand it to me?  Sound too good to be true??

We chatted over Facebook messenger for a while and I learned he was tall (tick!), 35 (age appropriate: tick!), studying law (brains: tick!), previously worked in IT (was made redundant and took the opportunity to go back to study) and owned a house on the Central Coast (shit together: tick!).  Normally a potential match would be eliminated if I found out they lived that far away (Mordor), but seeing as he was constantly in Sydney due to study, I decided to roll with it.  We messaged back and forth for hours, sending each other music tracks and just getting to know one another – he seemed normal enough.  He promised to call me the following evening and we said goodnight.

Via kappit.com
Via kappit.com

I have mixed emotions regarding talking to guys on the phone.  It stresses me out and I find it highly invasive – at least with a text you can read it and respond when you have the time, a phone call is so demanding and quite full-on if you don’t know the person very well.  I don’t even phone my friends much, let alone speak to some stranger I met over Facebook!  But then on the other hand, speaking to someone voice-on-voice can give you a better idea of the person they are so when the phone call came, I answered.

We actually got on really well, spoke for over an hour and he ‘got’ my sense of humour so I was feeling pretty optimistic about actually meeting this guy.  Better yet he didn’t sound like a coastie bogan!  Miracle!

yay
Via giphy.com

We texted over the next couple of days and during one conversation he revealed he had been previously engaged, and the reason the marriage didn’t go ahead was because his fiance died from Leukemia.  CLASSIC OVERSHARE.  Although I empathized with him, it was probably a little soon to be divulging this to someone you hadn’t even met yet… Nonetheless I was still willing to give it a shot.

Then he suggested we go to quite a lavish restaurant for our first date which I’m sure most girls would find incredibly romantic but that sort of arrangement is way too much in my opinion for a first meeting.  Maybe for like the 3rd/4th date but for date #1 I wanted to do something more casual just in case (god forbid) I had to pull a Houdini.  What if we didn’t get along and I was trapped on a 3-course date?  Hell no.

We decided on lunch and drinks the following Sunday.  Whilst deciding on a place he asked me if I’d seen 50 Shades of Grey (it had just come out at the movies) but I’d seen it immediately with my girlfriends and told him so.  He was mildly upset because he thought we could’ve seen it together after lunch.  I mused that it was an odd movie choice for a guy and that’s when he casually mentioned he “practices”.  So what – I was dating Christian Grey now??

The clincher for me though was the message I received early on Valentine’s Day:

danvday

imout
Via giphy.com

My reaction after getting that was actual horror.  WHY did this guy think that this was OK?  If the over-the-top first date, incessant texting and S&M hadn’t turned me off at this point, this ridiculous gesture on Valentine’s Day had sealed the deal.  The date was off.

dan1

I thought I was blunt enough for him to take the hint but apparently not.  He continued to text me sporadically for the next two months.

dan2

I’m not sure what dating game he’s familiar with but whatever it is it’s not from this world.  And “easy going”  must roughly translate to “casual stalker” surely?   He even went to the lengths of filming his bird saying “Hello” over and over again to try and spark a response:

Corry says hello (video)

At least he hadn’t trained it to say “Hello Claudia” or “I love you” because then I probably would’ve alerted the police.  From this moment forward he was referred to as “Bird Man”.

dan3

dan4

Even throwing the dead fiance in as a last ditch attempt of contact!  Nooooo!!  I don’t think I’ve ever experienced desperation level 861 but now I can safely say I have.  Chalk that one up to the list!  Maybe I’ll do a follow up text in a year’s time like this guy did:

Not Texting Back (video)

I’m sure Bird Man would be totally sweet with it.

serial killer

Signing off,

CVC